A Court of Dreams and Vengeance {Azriel x reader}

Chapter Eight~ It's Ok To Not Be Ok

A/N- This is where the story takes a turn from the original plan. If you are a new reader then you probably have no idea what I am talking about, but if you read this in its early days, then I hope this is better because it certainly makes me feel better about the plotline, characters, and drama. Also !!!WARNING!!! this chapter has dark themes such as; thoughts of suicide, self-harm, dark thoughts, and past trauma, (including rape and abuse) Please read at your own risk. There are no outright mentions of it, just hints. Edited. 

Glittering moonlight cascaded on the floor near me through a cracked window. My body made no indication of moving as I lie in a sprawling nest of blankets and pillows. Arlys, the name my spy picked for himself, checked up on me once again. I guess he either had more sentience than I assumed, or my subconscious was making sure I didn't kill myself. Arlys's shadowy hand fixed the blanket around me, shifting my wings so they sat comfortably around us. He then placed a plate of bread and an assortment of cheeses on the floor, presumably from the pocket of space we share. I heave a sigh, the most noise I've made in a while, not even the silent coaxing of my spy got me to do anything.

I shifted onto my back, sprawling my wings so they wouldn't get crushed, and ignored the annoyed huff from him. My plan was to ride out this episode so I can be back to normal, but it was taking longer than usual. I couldn't eat or sleep. The food not settling well no matter what I ate and constant nightmares of both past and present attack my mind once sleep takes over. I was sure there were going to be permanent dark patches underneath my eyes once I made it out of this.

If I make it out of this.

Nothing but tears came as my will to live slowly dwindled away into nothing. The only thing keeping me alive was most likely Arlys's companionship. It would feel like letting him down, tearing the world away from him just as he was starting to love it. It was funny, how in the time I had come to first summon him, he has seen more positive things in the world than I have.

"Why am I so pathetic? " I ask my spy through our connection, not even having enough energy to muster the movement of my mouth and tongue.

"Mistress, you aren't pathetic." His rhythmic response was coupled with a solid hand on my arm. "You are broken. It is ok to not feel ok sometimes. The important thing is that you take care of yourself and not. Give. Up." His soft hand brushed against the fresh wounds of my flesh, eliciting a hiss from my mouth. "Please Mistress," He begged, "Please eat something."

With a sigh of defeat, I oblige his request. Picking up some cheese, I placed it on a slice of bread and stuffed the mixture into my mouth. I wouldn't admit it to the being who was taking care of me but, it felt so good to have food in my stomach.

All too soon the gratitude wore off as a wave of nausea came over me. Slower than I'd like, I flung myself into the bathing chamber and emptied my snack into the toilet.

Seven days. It had only been seven days since Starfall. How am I supposed to survive an eternity of this? A sob shook me so hard I had to wrap my arms around my knees to keep me from falling completely apart. A dry heaving fit took over as I felt Arlys wrap his hands in my hair and move the strands away from my face.

"Arlys," I muttered the first word I had said all week. "Please get Cassian."

There was an audible, pleased sigh from my companion as he let go of me. "Of course mistress."

I waited, slumped in the bathroom, the cold tile biting into my exposed skin. I hadn't let Arlys get anyone. I wanted to get better by myself, not burden them with my problems. The slight chance of them being happy to finally be done with me also kept me from seeking them out. Nothing but negativity riddled my thoughts since I found out Azriel was my mate. Maybe it was the mating bond throwing me away as it was rejected. Maybe this is what happens to useless females.