Five years.
That's how long this has been going on.
The feelings. The longing. The admiration. The secretive glances. And the love that she knows will never be returned.
Amanda Rollins taps idly at her keyboard as her gaze lifts from the laptop and focuses on the object of her affection through the glass barrier, brows furrowing when she takes note of the pinched, exhausted expression on her lieutenant's face. It takes her a moment to realize that a string of gibberish has appeared on her screen, mixing in with the details of their latest case, and she sheepishly lifts her fingers away from the keys for a second, before hurriedly pressing the backspace button.
Her leg bounces restlessly beneath the desk, the sole of her shoe scraping loudly back and forth across the floor until she sees Fin lift his head from his own work and fix her with a quizzical look, one eyebrow raised in question. Amanda sighs softly and ceases all movement except for the gnawing of her teeth on the inside of one cheek, wrestling with what to do next but not wanting to explain her tumultuous thoughts to Fin.
She could keep plowing steadily through this case work or actually get up and make her way over to her boss' domain, with the intention of offering a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on during this devastating, uncertain time. It has only been a month since the shooting death of their colleague, and the knowledge that Olivia still blames herself for what happened to Mike Dodds, despite not being at fault, has been destroying Amanda bit by bit over the past few weeks. She aches to provide both the physical and emotional comfort that she knows the older woman needs right now, but suddenly feels glued to her chair, uncharacteristically indecisive and timid in this unfamiliar situation, and feeling very much out of her depth.
This is new territory for her, never having lost someone on her squad before, and she is unsure exactly how to proceed from here; wondering if her tentative, clumsy attempts at comfort would even be welcomed by Olivia. Amanda's gut is telling her it is pretty unlikely that Olivia would appreciate any effort that she puts forth in this situation, and that her offer of a shoulder to cry on might even be mistaken for intrusion into a private matter. She knows she should probably just forget about it and continue on with her work, but her eyes remain fixed on the forlorn figure in the next room as she lets out a wistful sigh, unable to let it go.
"Hey, Rollins."
Amanda jumps at the sound of the deep male voice beside her, prickling at the sudden presence of Ed Tucker in the squad room, and nodding stiffly in response before he says hello to Fin and Carisi. Her frown deepens as she watches him give a brief knock on Olivia's office door before swinging it open and striding inside, a pang in her chest when she sees the brunette's face light up at the sight of the man she is dating, the stress and fatigue falling away like they had never existed.
"What's he doing here in the middle of the day?" Fin grumbles in a distracted tone as he shuffles through a mountain of unorganized papers on this desk.
"He's obviously here to see the lieu," Carisi answers with a touch of admonishment. "I think it's great that he came to see her. She seems like she's having a tough day. And she really needs someone right now. She hasn't been the same since...well...you know."
There is now a sharp pain residing in the middle of her chest as Amanda realizes that she is too late to impart the comfort she has been so desperate to provide, her lower lip quivering slightly as Olivia and Tucker embrace. It occurs to her that this excruciating moment is playing out like the last several years of her life when it comes to her feelings for Olivia; waiting too long; standing on the sidelines; hovering in the shadows; too scared to make a move; secretly hoping the other woman would initiate something between them so she didn't have to be the one to take the first step.
