Out of Reach

Chapter Twenty One

"Cassidy..."

He ignored me, storming past and picking up his discharge papers.

ꕤ Cassidy ꕤ

"Symptoms and disorders: Bipolar, Depression with suicidal ideations, Anxiety, possible borderline personality disorder..." I yelled, flipping through the papers vigorously.

"This is not normal, Amber. Nothing about me is normal." I pushed the paper toward Amber and sat on the bed and running my hands all over my face and through my hair.

"Cassidy-" Amber took a step towards me, but I put my hand out, stopping her from advancing.

I found myself getting lost in her big doe eyes as my heart quickened. She looked at me like a newborn puppy, fragile and in need of assistance. She made me feel things I have never felt before. Something that I wasn't sure if I was ready to feel. I cleared the pressure building up in my throat and peeled my eyes away from hers. 

"Last year, when I found out my mom was using, I was so angry. I had no way of coping with it, so I took my anger out on those around me...I practically shut everyone out and used violence as a response."

Amber slowly walked over to the bed and sat down next to me, silently watching as I continued.

"I was getting into fights frequently, and one time at a party, this kid was trying to get this girl to do a line with him, and she didn't want to. But he wasn't going to take no for an answer. So I stepped in and stopped him."

"Cassidy, you did the right thing." She interjected, her perfect tiny hand reaching out to me like an olive branch. But I turned it away.

"No." I stated, looking up at her, "The right thing would've been to walk away."

Amber remained silent, unsure of what I was going to say next.

"I almost killed him, Amber," I leaned in, "I remember the look on his face as my hands were around his neck."

She gulped, slightly leaning back as I leaned in again. I could tell she was nervous. Good.

I continued, "It just got to a point where after that, I didn't go to school anymore, and I went into the psych ward a few times."

Her forehead wrinkled, "What did Tom mean when he said, 'I should have let you kill yourself that day?'"

I hesitated, taking a look into her big hazel eyes. I knew if I told her this, she would not look at me the same way she was at this moment. But I needed to say to her. She needed to see how fucked up I am.

"When we were younger, Tom and I were friends but, after my dad died, I took it hard. He was my best friend," I paused for a moment, looking down at my hands, "the kids used to tease me at school, and when we got to high school, I didn't have a lot of friends, didn't relate to anyone there...I became the weird kid, while Tom became the star lacrosse player."

Amber looked over at me sympathetically as I continued, "My mom was no fucking help, and Tom, who was my only friend, abandoned me. My life turned to shit. So, as a fit of revenge, one day, I told Tom to meet me in the woods behind the playground after school. I had taken my mom's oxys and swallowed the rest of the pills before he got there."

My eyes flickered back at Amber, who was observing me. She stayed silent, letting me talk.

"When he got there, I was standing there with the empty pill bottle in my hand. Once Tom realized what I did, he called an ambulance and got me to the hospital before it was too late. That was the first time I was ever admitted into the psych ward."