Sonder [TommyInnit Angst]

Chapter 6

Tommy's POV

I woke up in a cold sweat. Yet again another nightmare. I look over at my phone for the time 3:37 AM. Welp, I already know I won't be able to fall asleep again. Maybe I'll try to take a nap later.
I get up and brush my teeth and my pull over a sweatshirt and joggers for the day. I had a feeling something was off but I brushed it off. I went back to my room and will just play on my phone till the others wake up.

-Time Skip: 8:30 AM-

Finally. Everyone is up and ready for the day. One slight problem though. Wilbur is making breakfast. How am I supposed to get out of this? Am I gonna have to eat all of it?
"Tommy breakfast is ready!"
"Coming," I yell back.
I head down the stairs and take a seat next to Techno and Tubbo. I start biting my lip waiting for breakfast to be served.
"Tommy stop biting your lip, it's bleeding," Tubbo says sternly.
"Sorry," I mumble.
Wilbur comes over and gives everyone their food but mine. I was confused at first and he must've caught on.
He brings over a bowl of fruits for me instead of what the others had.
I give him a thankful look and he just nods.

"So what are we doing today," I speak up.
"I was hoping to go out to an arcade and come back later and do stream together. Techno doesn't have to appear in the frame of course,"
Everyone agrees to the idea and we head out to the arcade.

When we arrive at the arcade we split up for a bit. Me, Tubbo and Wilbur go separate ways, and Techno and Phil go their own way.
First we go to a claw machine and me and Tubbo both get the same idea when we see the cow and bed plushie.
It took us several tries, but we both finally get our plushies. I see Tubbo squeal in delight and hug his bee. I laugh at his reaction.
We move onto a basketball game and like the big man I am, I won. Wilbur kept mumbling under his breath after losing to me. It kinda made me feel self conscious, but I wasn't gonna kill the mood.
Me and Wilbur play a hockey table game, but unfortunately he won and bragged the rest of the time.
Once we met up Wilbur started bragging once again.
"Phil I beat the stupid child in hockey!"
That one definitely did hurt but I played it off,
"And I beat you in basketball, who knew a 6'5 man couldn't play basketball," I laugh at the end of my sentence and so does everyone else.

My whole mood changed on the car ride home. I zoned out for most of the conversation and only laughed when I heard something funny.

Your just a child

No one likes you

Your friends just pity you

"-ommy? Tommy!"
I was broke out of my thoughts of someone shaking my shoulder.
"You okay, we arrived back home," Wilbur says.
I force a smile, "yeah I'm good I just zoned out,"
He looked skeptical but nodded anyways.
We were getting ready to stream to announce our meetup and do a Q n A stream on Wilbur's account.
We press the 'Go Live' button and I put on a fake smile. Viewers start flooding in. The chat starts freaking out and with loads of POGS.
"Hi chat! Today stream is a bit different. I met up with the sbi and Tubbo! So we'll be doing a Q n A stream," Wilbur states with excitement laced in his voice.
After answering a couple questions, a donation pops up.

User101 donated €1;
I'm surprised you guys wanted to include Tommy in the meetup. He's annoying.

I frown at the donation but speak up,
"User101 thank you for giving your money to us just to say something hurtful to others. You really just look like an idiot right now. Stop obsessing over me and go watch someone you actually want to, you prick," I laugh at the last part of my sentence.
The chat starts spamming support for me, but those words are already burned into my skull.

After we end stream I turn off my online persona. It's so weird how easily I can change my emotion. I laugh internally at myself.
I start to walk up the stairs before I hear Techno talk,
"Tommy, we need to talk,"
I'm really starting to hate my sleep deprived self. I really can't control what I say. Why did I have to call Wilbur that night.
"About what now? I can't keep up spilling my guts to you guys," I say getting irritated.
"There was a lot of hate towards you, are you okay," Wilbur asks.
"I'm fine, it's nothing new. Can I go now?"
"Not until we get a real answer. C'mon, where did the energetic, loud, annoying Tommy I-"
I interrupt Techno,
"Gone. He left a while ago. He left before you even got to know him. The person you saw was fake. He tried to shield you from the reality that the real Tommy left with all my confidence, faith, and most importantly my happiness."
Silence...
"I don't think that Tommy will be returning ever or at least anytime soon. I'm sorry to disappoint you guys," I say right before heading upstairs.

I wish I were dead

Something was off by the voice. It wasn't the negative one that convinces me that I'm worthless.
It was my own

Wilbur's POV

"That didn't go well," I spoke first.
"No shit sherlock," Techno says.
He sounded so calm when he was speaking. More calm than I've ever heard him speak. Was he serious about what he said?
"I'm going to go talk to him," I say to the others.
I head upstairs and enter Tommy's room.
"I can't do this right now, just please get out,"
"Yes you will, and you have no choice Tommy," I say sternly.
I see him shoot me a look of anger and annoyance.
"I do have a choice, if words don't come out your outta luck bud,"
I'm starting to get mad at this kid.
"Do you not realize we're trying to help you? We can't do that if you just ignore us!"
"I don't need your help. I have taken care of myself my whole life, I don't need a babysitter now,"
"TOMMY LET US HELP YOU! YOUR BEING SELFISH FOR KEEPING THIS TO YOURSELF!" I yell.
I see him flinch and hit his head on the head board. I instantly regret what I said, but it's too late.
I hear him laugh dryly,
"I know I am. Either way I try I'll always be a burden to you. Keeping things to myself saves you the pain of what I feel. No one else should have to go through it. I just don't want to be annoying anymore. I want you guys to see me and think, oh that's the kind TommyInnit who tries to keep everyone happy and shield them from reality. But I'll always be seen as the annoying, loud, selfish, childinnit. I just needed clarification. I got it a long time ago when you took me in. But you need to choose one William, what do you see me as."
I was speechless. My heart stings from the use of my real name. He has never called me that before. I didn't know what to say. I let Tommy continue,
"Sometimes you'll act like a brother to me then you'll turn around and called me a stupid child. I know sometimes you mean it playfully, but words hurt. You may forget what they say, but you'll never forget how you felt. You wanna know how I feel Wilbur? Alright, I feel as if I can't do anything right. I'm either selfish for what I pick or it's just wrong. I wish I felt something other than pain. I want to feel loved. And the ONLY GODDAMN REASON IM STILL HERE IS YOU WILL. YOU FUCKING SAVED ME BECAUSE OF GUILT. I DIDN'T WANT TO HURT YOU OR ANYONE ELSE. BUT I JUST KEEP FINDING MORE REASONS MY LIFE IS ALREADY HELL. I wish I could just disappear and no one would care.."

I feel tears coming to my eyes. I hate seeing him so broken.
"I'm so sorry Tommy. I didn't mean it. I just wish I could help you. You are a brother to me. Your not stupid, or selfish, or ugly. When I see TommyInnit I see a funny, caring, lovable teenager who is my best friend."
Tommy looks up at me with tears running down his face.
"I know every single person who knows you would be heartbroken if you died. I know I would be. As many times as I saved you, you motivated me to be a better person. Because that's what you are. A inspiring kid who has a piece of everyone's heart with you. "
I get up and hug him. I feel him clench onto my arms like it depended on his life.

"Okay, you can go to bed now," I chuckle.
He lets go of me and I walk out of the room.
I head downstairs and go to the others.
"We're gonna have to put more effort into saving him. He's not doing well. I think Tommy and Tubbo should plan a day to hang out together. I know that will keep his mind off things,"
"Okay I'll talk to Tommy tomorrow to see when he wants to hang out," Tubbo says.
We all say our goodnights to each other before heading off to bed.

I can't loose him