Sonder [TommyInnit Angst]

Chapter 25

Tommy's POV

When I woke up again, I could tell it was still dark out, and Tubbo was in bed, so I'm guessing it was pretty late.
I grabbed my phone off of the nightstand, hissing at the brightness of my phone, and lowered it.
It was 3:37 AM... great. What time did I even go to bed last night? Maybe 10? That's probably the earliest I've ever gone to bed in the past 3 years, even at my father's house.
I take one glance over at Tubbo, making sure he was still asleep, and he was.
I slowly, and quietly, got out of bed, making my way towards my window, and opened it big enough for me to slip through.

I sat down on the roof, leaning my back against the house. A long sigh escaped from my mouth. I missed doing this. I missed the calmness of the night. Where it was so peaceful I could almost fall asleep again.
You know, as much as I am grateful to spend time with my friends, and that they care so much about me... it also worries me what will happen if I do try to kill myself.
I was in a coma for two months, how long would it take them to move on?
That's the only thing keeping me here. I'm worried my friends, that I consider my family, won't be able to move on from my death.
It's a hell of a way to remind yourself that you
are loved and cared for, but it works.

I let out another sigh,
"Maybe I can stay here for a bit longer than I intended," I mumble to myself.
It's quiet for a couple minutes before I hear footsteps.
I quickly turn my head to see Tubbo climbing through the window.
"Hey Tubs, why are you up?" I ask. He shrugs his shoulders,
"You aren't the only person who has trouble sleeping I guess," he states, looking up at the stars.
"I wish I could give you advice for it, but I haven't found anything to help yet," I laugh, and he lets out a small chuckle.
"So, this is your famous roof spot?" He says, and I nod.
"It's lovely out here at night, innit?" I say, and he agrees, nodding his head.
"It's... peaceful. A perfect amount of quiet," he responds.
"Yeah, it helps me clear my mind," I say, directing my gaze to the sky, like Tubbo did.
"I could see why," he says back.

We sat in a comfortable silence for a little while, until my eyes direct to his arms. His sleeve was rolled up slightly, letting me see his old scars.
I was the only one who knew about Tubbo's self harm, before he told Wilbur anyway, but I was so proud when he came to me, telling me he was a week clean.
And then it turned in a month, a year, and then two fucking years. He did so great, yet he fucked it up over me.
I caused him to go back to bad habits. I caused Schlatt to start drinking again, and for Dream to start smoking.
Hell, I caused so many fucking problems for them, and they don't blame me! It's my fucking fault.
I revert my eyes from his wrists, and back at the view, and speak calmly.

"So do you want to talk about it?" I ask, and he turns to look at me, but I keep my eyes on the stars.
"What?" He says, confusion laced in his voice.
"Why'd you go back to it? You know, hurting yourself," I say the last part slowly.
I hear him mutter a small, "oh,"
"Was it because of me? Was it because I fell into that dumbass coma?" I ask, looking over at him.
He sighs, and nods his head.
"Listen Tubbo, I know how addicting the feeling is, but don't you want to have that proud feeling again when you look back, ages from now? Happy that you quit doing that?" I say, hoping it would work.
"Yea I do, it was great. But you're so fucking dumb," he states. My eyebrows crease,
"...What?"

"I'm the only one out of the two us that tried to get better. And I succeeded! But it broke again, seeing you stuck like that! I'm not saying I don't want to try again, but you never do anything to help yourself!" He says.
"What do you mean?" I say, keeping a lower voice level than Tubbo.
"I learned to live without the dumb habit, you didn't! It's been years Tommy. Tell me, did you actually stop cutting yourself when I caught you doing it all those years ago?" He says, catching me off guard.
"Well, I did, until the incident happened," I mumble.