Diary of a Teenage Zombie || ONC 2021

Sat, Sun and a smidge of Mon

By the time I realised the herd of zombie hunting dicktards were gone-they were long gone! I'm such an idiot!

So I hung with big Dave for a bit to regroup. There was still plenty of food. It was dark, quiet, and I still needed to farewell Judy. My teacher, my mentor, my Judinator!

So my plan was to stay for a day until I had all my affairs in order, then I thought it might be best to move around at night. I'm on my own now and the streets are filled with psycho zombie killers.

I feel like an endangered species, fighting for survival. Like an ocean, suffocating under mountains of plastic. Like a planet on the brink, being smothered in carbon dioxide. Like a galaxy, being sucked into a black hole of nothingness! Er, sorry, I got a little carried away there.

People always fear what they don't understand. If they just took the time to get to know me... Anyway, enough of the pity party. First things first, I had a body to bury. Or more like a torso with a head and legs, or, ah-whatever.

I quietly crept back to the kitchen, double-checking every corner, making sure there was no one else in the house. I locked all the doors and switched off all the lights. One thing I forgot to mention earlier is that my eyesight is pretty good in the dark now-my peripheral on the other hand...

So anyway, I shut all the blinds and opened the fridge; I needed just a smidgen of light so I could get a better idea of what was Judy and what was Dave. There were bits and pieces everywhere. An arm-definitely Dave. A torso with a head and legs attached-yay Judy. I rolled her over and looked at her face; she looked so peaceful with her eyes closed. If she didn't have a bloody red hole in the side of her head, one could assume she was just sleeping.

Now, what to do with her? I wasn't keen on digging a hole in the backyard. First, some nutcase zombie stalker might see me and second, I really didn't want to dig a big hole with one hand. I looked at the garbage disposal for a minute, then decided against that too. That would be very messy and time-consuming. Then an idea popped into my head-like when I popped a bullet into Moe's. The basement! It's dark, private and underground, like a big concrete coffin.

All this thinking was making me hungry, so I grabbed Dave's half eaten arm and finished that off. He was going rank by that stage, but I was starving and I wasn't in the mood to go find something a little more fresh. I then had a bit of a rummage and found his intestines. Aww, Judy must have left those for me-she was so sweet!

They were lovely and tender, although I had to spit out a few disgusting corn kernels that must have been passing through; just like spitting seeds out of watermelon. Once I was done with old Davo, I grabbed Judy by the leg and pulled her towards the basement.

Good thing she was dead, because there were a heap of stairs we had to manoeuvre to get down there. Poor old Judy's head thumped down each one, kinda like a marble rolling down a teeny tiny staircase.

Once at the bottom, I noticed a bunch of pretty green plants under bright purple lights-hmm, odd. But I decided that would be a lovely spot for her. I dragged her over there and put a bunch of the pots around her body. I looked around for something to cover her with when I noticed a mannequin in the corner. Gosh, big Dave had some random shit down here, Judy would fit right in.

I had a bit of a fiddle and finally managed to remove the fake lady's arms. I then lay them next to Judy-she would've liked that. Next, I had a look through a few draws-nothing. Lastly, I had a quick look in a small broom cupboard. In there hanging on a hanger was a poncho, and sitting on a shelf was a sombrero-perfect! I lay the poncho over her body and the sombrero over her face. Then it was time to say a few words.

"Judy, you were awesome! And by God as my witness, I shall avenge your death! Rest in peace, my friend and may the force be with you."

Right, I was starting to get the munchies again, so I went to go see if I could find some more leftovers in the kitchen. I ended up grabbing what I could of Dave and laid low down by Judy for the day. We chatted, we laughed, it was obviously one sided, but I could feel her in the room with me. It was just like old times.

Once night fell, I quietly exited the house through the back door with a backpack filled with all my worldly possessions; including the gun. I'm no tracker, but I got the feeling the merry gang of dicktards were going house to house in search of zombies, and I was hoping if I did the same, I'd find them. The first few houses were completely empty, but by that stage I was getting rather hungry again.

I was surprised the streets were actually so quiet, I'm assuming everyone was either dead or hiding-the living from the zombies and the zombies from the self-appointed mercenaries out for blood. There was no one in sight. I was freaking out that I'd have to eat two-day-old leftovers that had been fermenting in the basement when I heard some scratching noises.

Hoping to find a snack, I went to investigate. Please don't be another zombie, please don't be another zombie! I repeated the mantra all the way down the side of some random house, where the noise was coming from. zombies taste like shit, since technically we're dead-ish, and I had a craving for fresh meat.

I stealthily poked my head around the corner into the backyard where I was met with an unexpected sight. Sitting next to an extremely ravaged body was a cute, fluffy little white bunny having a nibble on what looked like an eyeball. Oh, yum. Time for some bunny stew-minus the stew.

Two thousand years later....

Well, shit. What a workout that was! Bunnies are freaking fast little suckers. It took me a good half an hour before I finally caught him and bit his fluffy little head off. As I was finishing up, gobbling down his fluffy little tail, I thought I heard laughing-kids laughing. It's the middle of the night. Why on earth would kids be outside now?

Staying out of sight, I made my way closer to the noise. It was coming from a park, one I recognised. I went there a lot when I was younger, and if I remember correctly, there should be a playground on the other side of the bushes that were right in front of me.

Dropping my backpack, I pushed the leaves aside and snuck into one of the bigger plants so I could survey the area. In my haste, I knelt down before clearing a spot. A sharp broken twig poked me in the arse instantly sending me forward into another sharp branch that went straight through my good hand.

"Fuuuuuudge!"

I examined my hand with tears in my eyes, then realised the place had gone silent. Cradling my hand with my limp arm like a newborn baby, I looked up through a small gap in the leaves and saw three young boys (maybe around ten) looking directly at me. They all had bloody mouths. One was hopping around on one leg (because the other one was now a bloody stump). Another one had burns down half of his face and along his arm. And the last one looked completely normal-he totally creeped me out.

I was about to introduce myself when I noticed two men approaching from behind them-both carrying guns, pointing directly at the boys' heads. I instantly recognised them as part of the dicktard gang. Oh yeah baby, it's on, it's on like Donkey Kong!

Word count: 1403