I know, you want to know what I saw. The crazy, ridiculous, awesomeness that lay before us. Flanked by two massive zombie tigers was...
Back from the dead, the one, the only, the Judinator. I couldn’t believe it either. When we parted ways, she was in her massive concrete coffin, just chilling in her little makeshift garden, under the pretty purple lights. But now here she was looking like she’d just walked out of zombie vogue wearing her burial poncho and sombrero. She is the epitome of cool!
And here the Doc was quaking in his ugly brown suede boots. I had so many questions, but first we needed to take care of this smug asshole.
“Sorry, I’m late. Some dumb coconut shot me in the bloody face and when I came to, I had one hell of a headache, so I took some medicine—the green leafy kind, if you know what I mean—hey, Toby.” she winked at me, but I wasn’t entirely sure what she was going on about. “Stan and I enjoyed a great few of days down there before emerging from the hazy mist. I’m afraid we got a little carried away.”
“Who the hell is Stan?” I asked, only mildly jealous.
“Why the fine fellow who kindly lent me his arms, of course. Fat lot of use they were though.”
Um, ok.
“Anyway, I’m here now and ready to kick some ass!” She looked at me again, her head cocking to one side. “Toby, why do you have an extra ear and smell really good?”
“I’ve only got two, just like everyone else.”
“Exactly, you’re only meant to have one. What the hell is going on here?”
“Why, I’ve found a cure, of course. Gosh, Judy, you really look a fright. Where on earth are your arms? That must be terribly inconvenient.“
“Shut your trap, Murdock. We’re in this mess because of you and your greed. Figures you’d try to find a cure, then lord it over everyone. You have a serious case of small man syndrome!”
“Why you—“
“Easy there tiger, or I’ll set my buddies Thor and Loki on you. And trust me when I say, they’re not fussy when it comes to food.”
I looked at the zombie tigers; they were both fully focused on the Doc. How the heck did Judy do it? She was totally in control. Maybe that’s what comes with being patient zero, you get all the awesomeness.
“Aren’t you forgetting that I have a gun pointed at this young man’s traitorous head?”
“Do we care?” Judy asked, scanning the group.
“Yes, yes,” screamed Tiff. “He’s my boyfriend and we’re in love!” Oh good Lord, any excuse to spout off the word boyfriend, and now they’re in love? Oh, please! Judy must have been thinking the same and just rolled her eyes at miss sassy pants.
“Seems we have a stalemate. What to do? What to do?” The Doc mocked. “Oh, I know. All of you except Toby, get the hell out of my lab before I blow Fred’s brain to smithereens.”
Like something out of a horror movie, in unison they all said, “mmm, brains!” I wondered if my safety was a sure thing at that point.
“If I had hands Murdock, I’d for sure be putting them up right now. You win.” What was Judy up to? It’s not like her to go quietly into the night.
Then there was a movement behind the Doc. I knew Jack and Archie wouldn’t let me down. I was already cured—I hoped. But even so, better late than never, I suppose.
As we all became aware of the two spanners about to ruin Doc’s plans, Judy backed away slowly. The tigers and everyone else taking her lead. I just stood there waiting for the carnage that was surely about to come.
“Smart move Judy. Come on, keep it moving,” the Doc said, waving his gun toward the exit.
While the firearm was aimed away from Fred’s head, Jack and Archie crept up onto the reception desk that just so happened to be directly behind where the Doc stood. One second later and they were flying through the air, batons in hands, yelling like Tarzan swinging through the jungle. “aahuaaa uaaa uaaaaaaaa!”
I Watched as if in slow motion. The boys in the air, arms and legs flaying, their mouths open to capacity. The Doc turning with the most surprised look I’d ever seen; the gun slicing through the air towards them, only to go off, halfway to its intended destination as the batons whacked him right in the face and back.
It took me a few seconds to realise something wasn’t right. A burning sensation shot through my body just before my knees gave out from under me. I was faintly aware of the screams that sounded a lot like Meg. My life flashed before my eyes as I realised this was it, my time was up. I lay sprawled across the cold tiled floor, the women in my life weeping over me. I only had moments to say my last goodbyes.
“Tell my parents I love them and Derek can have my sea sponge collection and Meg, you can have my heart. Eat it and think of me always.”
Meg then burst into gut wrenching sobs over my dying body. I know baby, I know, it’s not fair.
“Oh, for crying out loud,” Judy said, a touch of annoyance in her voice. Geez Judy, have a heart.
“Ouch, what was that?”
“You’ll find out. In about five, four, three, two...”
It was back! That overwhelming urge to suck Fred’s face off, and not in a sexual way, although he is a very handsome man.
“I’m a zombie again, Yay!”
“Oh Toby, you're ok. I thought I’d nearly lost you,” Meg cried, her hand resting on my cheek. Then she kissed me in front of everyone. And kept kissing me. She even slipped her tongue in there and really went to town.
“Huh hmm.” We stopped and looked up at Judy. “If you’re quite finished, we have a lab to take over and a mad scientist to throw in a cage.”
“Sounds like a plan!” We agreed.
“Wait, where are all the guards?” Meg asked.
“You don’t need to worry about them, most have either been eaten or turned by Michelle Chen. She was one of the guards that was somehow turned into a zombie.” Meg and I looked at each other and smiled. “She’s a feisty little thing and someone you don’t want to mess with,” Freddy said. “What would You like me to do with him?” He then asked, looking down at the Doc pinned to the floor underneath Thor whilst Loki licked his face.
Gross!
“Take him up to the cells and give him day old livers,” Judy said, then gave the Doc the sweetest smile, damn she’s hilarious.
“There’s one problem, he’ll only eat the old fellas from the retirement village down the road. He’s got a thing for older men,” said Freddy.
We all raised our eyebrows at that.
“I prefer to eat those that are at death’s door already, you thugs. Some of us still have scruples.”
“Maybe we should just cure him and leave him in fate’s hands,” I suggested.
“And let him tell anyone who’d listen that there’s a cure? Don’t think so. If I cure him, I’m eating him!”
“You’re a monster, Judy!”
“You’ve only got yourself to blame for that one. Fred, take him away and shoot him in the head if he gives you any trouble. Now, Toby, I want to hear more about how your ear grew back.”
I Smiled at her, good old Judy. I just couldn’t get over the fact that—she’s back!
Word count: 1299
Total word count: 18,539
YOU ARE READING
Diary of a Teenage Zombie || ONC 2021
Humor(Round 3/longlist Ambassador Pick) Open Novella contest 2021 For seventeen-year-old Toby, it's hard enough being a teenager. But then the world went and ended, and he got turned into a member of the undead community. Now his life consists of chasing...
