New Growth

Turn for the Worst

I tried to drag my boyfriend into doing drugs with me so we could have sex while we were high but I ended up doing them by myself before he even got home. It was an edible that he had. I had the same feeling as the first time that I was stuck in a loop. I couldn't get out of doing the same movements over and over so I tried to make some pasta. Too bad I was so out of it I couldn't even get to getting the water to boil. I decided to lay down and try and sleep it off but I couldn't. I left the stove on. My boyfriend came home and was so upset that I was in such a bad state. He took a shower and got ready for bed while I was just trying to sleep. He said I didn't really sleep because I would start screaming every now and then and I pulled my clothes off to take a shower while I wasn't even fully conscious. I don't recall any of this. To me I slept the whole night except for one instance where I remember waking up and seeing my boyfriend next to me where it looked like he had fire in his eyes and there was a dark shadow behind him. I rolled over and went back to sleep. The next morning I was supposed to go into work but I still wasn't up to going anywhere. I tried to meet my mom for her to come get me at a gas station next to his house. I pretty sure I didn't hallucinate this but I pulled into the gas station and there were all these teens and older people all dressed in black and this guy stood in front of my car as i was pulling in and raised his arms in the air and gave me the middle fingers. It wasn't just one group of people wearing black it was like every single person at the gas station wearing leather jackets and dyed hair and piercings. Just scary looking people to me at the time. But psychosis makes you feel like you're in a dangerous situation when you're really not. Now that I've met up with my mom she drives us back home. And I apparently told her that my boyfriend raped me. I have no idea where I got this from, I don't remember saying it. I'm still not in my right mind at the time but I definitely told her this. I think it might of been the voices that led me to say this. But for the next couple months I'm going crazy. I can't remember much from this time period. I wasn't having any kind of grand delusions yet but there was definitely a high feeling that was lasting way longer than it should've. My parents thought I was somehow getting drugs and that it was just constantly in my system but it was just my illness starting. The last thing I remember is when my voices really started. I was at home talking to the voices in my head and got onto a really gross subject. It sounded like the whole world was in my head and because I thought something so gross they started screaming at me that they were going to brutally murder me. It was so bad my brain was seizing and my whole body was shaking. I stayed awake for 3 days straight just listening to the voices and talking with them because I was so scared of judgment and what was going to happen to me. It got to the point where I thought my own parents were going to murder me so I kept trying to run away from them and obviously they kept chasing me down and bringing me back home which only made me worse because I thought they were going to keep me hostage, kill me and send me to hell. The voices got so bad I ran away and found some paint thinner sitting on a drain lid in the apartment complex and they convinced me to drink all that was left and rub it all over my skin. I drank about 1/4 of it and I was vomiting it up as I was drinking it. Someone must've saw me cause they called 911 and the police showed up and pulled me up to my feet and all of the paint thinner came rushing out the tail end. Completely soaking my pants and burning my skin. I was rushed to the hospital in an ambulance. This is when my Hitler psychosis episode started.