It's not your fault

Down Down Down

We talked for months upon months, getting closer and closer.

We spent the mornings before class studying and laughing in coffee shops.

We spent the evenings laying in each other's beds, intertwined.

There was no care in the world for the future, for we lived in the present.

The serotonin that was constantly flooding my brain made me forget that I had countless mental illnesses.

Until you weren't there.

When you were gone I'd fall

Down

Down

Down

And I couldn't pick myself back up.

On days when you had big tests we wouldn't meet at all.

With the end of the year nearing I hardly ever saw you.

I couldn't see the end of the tunnel.

"We'll hang out all summer together, I can't wait!" You would text me.

I kept my problems silent.

Of course you saw them though, even when I wouldn't tell you, you knew.

Maybe you assumed that I didn't want to talk because I never brought it up.

Maybe you didn't realize that anxiety makes you unable to bring up anxiety.

Maybe I should have been stronger.

Maybe then you would love me more than I loved you.

Maybe then we wouldn't be where we are.

Maybe I wouldn't be where I am.

When the school year ended you said, "my parents are making me go on vacation with them, I'm sorry Babe, I'll be back in two weeks."

You said, "I won't be able to talk much, my mom is being anal about me staying off my phone, but when I get back the summer is ours."

You said, "I'll make sure to get lots of rest the night we get back, then I'll be at your house bright and early the next morning and from then on I will never leave your side."

I waited those two weeks out while in a pit of my own sorrow.

I said, "I'm so happy you're having fun, can't wait for you to tell me everything when you get back!"

I put on my happy face for you, so as not to worry you.

I fell deeper down

Down

Down

And when you came back I couldn't stand waiting until the next day to see you.