It's not your fault

So that night, I went to your house and I knocked on your door.

When your mom opened it she looked so surprised to see me and I couldn't help but wonder why.

"Hey hun, what are you doing here?" She asked with a kind, yet confused smile on her face.

Which was understandable I said to myself, she had just gotten back from a long vacation, she probably was hoping for one night of no excitement, which would explain why you didn't want to make plans that night.

"I'm just stopping by real quick, I won't take long, I promise. I know you're probably tired from your vacation, but I hope you had fun, how was it?" I asked,

Que the even more confused face.

"What vacation? We didn't take one, I thought you were on vacation until tomorrow?" She answered in reply.

Why would you lie?

I faked a smile and laughed it off, saying, "I'm sorry, I got back a day early and thought I'd stop by, I hope I'm not causing any trouble. I'm just gonna be right back!" and with that I took off for your room.

My heart was pounding.

I couldn't feel my legs.

My fingers twitched.

My ears swam.

Why would you lie?

Your mom tried to yell after me, but I didn't listen.

I should have listened.

When I got to your room I found something I never thought would ever happen.

But I've been fooled plenty already.

I found you in bed with someone else, cliche- I know.

My palms sweat.

My eyes filled.

My heart leaped into my throat.

I turned around to leave when you yelled at me.

I was almost out the front door when you yanked on my hand and said you could explain.

I told you there was nothing to explain, I saw it all very clearly.

I told you that I understand and that I wish you happiness and the best and that I understand I'm not the best.

I thought maybe if I wasn't as depressed.

Anxious.

Awkward.

Socially inept.

Maybe if I were more conventionally attractive.

Maybe if I didn't need to hold your hand at all times.

Maybe if I saw the signs sooner.

Listened to my gut.

I would have known I wasn't good enough.

But you already know what happened, that's not the reason I'm writing this letter to you.

The reason for this letter is so you know that I didn't die because of you.

I died due to every fault of my own.

I died because I wasn't strong enough.

I died because I allowed myself to attach my life to temporary things.

So when those temporary things left I had nothing to attach my life to and all that was left was death.

I was suicidal before we met.

While we knew each other.

And after our run was up.

Maybe you could explain and things could be fixed, but I have had no interest in living for years and I was searching for that last connection to this life to break.

Maybe it didn't prematurely and you could have saved me or maybe it was perfectly timed so I didn't bring you down with me.

Because when you fall

Down

Down

Down

There is no stopping.

I have loved you since the first time I saw you and I will never stop loving you.

You kept me alive for much longer than you should have and even though what you did crushed my entire being, I'm grateful.

Now I can leave in peace instead of feeling guilty for leaving you.

I'm grateful for your love, company, and everything in between.

For the coffee shop mornings and the late night talks.

For the study sessions you forced me to go to where everyone was too loud for studying and the parties where I stood back and watched while you got plastered and were the life of the party.

But most of all I'm grateful for the time you gave me to see how beautiful the world can be and how if you surround yourself with the right people it can be amazing.

Too bad I was too far gone when we met, maybe it would've fixed my messed up brain, but there's no fixing me now.

I'll love you forever and always,

Thank you for giving me family and love and compassion.

And remember, none of this was a product of what you did, it was just the inevitable.