Only Angel [h.s]

𝟭𝟳 - 𝗚𝗼𝗼𝗱 𝗘𝗻𝗼𝘂𝗴𝗵

I'm slowly killing myself
I'm trying so hard at the back of the shelf
It's just the same every day
I'm writing these songs that will never get played
I get told what's wrong and what's right

[Lonely
Noah Cyrus]

—————

November 27th 2016

(This chapter is all therapy-talk and most
of it important so if you aren't gonna
skip it don't skim and pay attention)

Tw; talk of panic attacks, ED's, abuse
self-harm, anxiety, hints at SA

Lonely.

That's the word I would use to describe the last Four days of my life.

Lonely and fucking depressing, actually.

It's been four days since I spoke to Harry, four days since i've even looked at Harry, four days hauled up in my hotel bedroom room, alone, because i'm too afraid to even step outside of my room in fear that i'll see him.

Two of those days came with panic attacks and I was too stubborn to ask for help so I simply rode myself through them. Every single night also came with a nightmare.

Harry also decided not to go back to New York until i'm ready to and i'm still not sure how that's supposed to make me feel.

I'm hurt, i'm alone and i'm sad. Usually that's not a good combination and i'll admit, it isn't, i've been resisting the urge to not only get high but to hurt myself and it's been a fucking struggle.

I'm pathetic, really.

I mean, I can barley handle fighting with Harry over something so petty and trivial. Seriously, who fucking get's like this just because of an argument?

I do, and it took me atleast a whole day and a half for me to realise that what i'm feeling is a perfectly normal trauma response, when we were arguing my brain took me back to arguments with Leo, arguments were he would not only emotionally abuse me but physically abuse me.

I also realised that I don't need to feel bad for my reaction to what happened, I know Harry would never hurt me but no matter how many times he reassures me, in the heat of the moment my brain will essentially short circuit and expect something to happen because i've been conditioned that way.

Fuck Leo.

And fuck Harry too.

Why would I need a man when there's plenty of pretty women out there who like other pretty women? Even if I didn't like women Harry and Leo aren't the only men out there that exist.

I've been contemplating what I should do today, while I still don't have want to leave my room, i've been invited to go out to some club out in Beverly Hills with Theo and his girlfriend. I feel like realistically, it would be better for me to stay here and continue to . . . relax, but I really need this at the same time.