Only Angel [h.s]

𝟬𝟴 - 𝗣𝗲𝗿𝗺𝗮𝗻𝗲𝗻𝘁𝗹𝘆 𝗕𝗹𝘂𝗲

l I just left your bedroom
Give me some morphine
Is there any more to do?

[Meet Me In The Hallway
Harry Styles]

tw: hints at suicidal thoughts

—————

Sadness is such a funny thing.

I felt fine earlier watching The Notebook with Harry, it was actually a pretty good movie, I fed Stevie after it was over and then we both decided to put the takeaway leftovers in the fridge and head to bed.

And now?

Well now... now i'm sitting on the fire escape at 3am smoking a cigarette and staring at nothing while Harry sleeps peacefully.

I woke up again after having another nightmare, I didn't wake Harry up thankfully, but I was on the verge of a panic attack and I needed to leave, I figured if I just got in my car and drove somewhere, Harry would freak out if he woke up, so this is the next best option.

I suppose sadness is pretty subjective, i'm not really sure why i'm sad and for me, that's worse than any heartache that i've ever experienced.

Because I can't fucking fix this, I shouldn't be sad, I don't need to be sad and yet here I am.

It's not like having a panic attack over work related things, I can fix that but how can you fix something when it might be permanently broken?

I think that's what I am, permanently broken just like i'm permanently blue, destined to be sad forever.

I also think that's why i fell in love with Stevie, she was a stray and when i adopted her the people at the adoption centre said she seemed severely depressed and no one would be likely to adopt her, so I did.

I didn't think she was broken; I just think she needed someone to understand her.

But me? I don't think anyone could understand and even if they did, I'm too scared that I would end up pushing them away if they got close enough.

It's easier to leave than be left.

Why would someone keep something that can't be fixed? You don't go to a toy store to buy a broken toy; you go to buy a brand-new working toy.

And if you find out it's broken after you buy it? You return it.

I create this exterior that makes me seem happy and bubbly so people will 'buy' me and just pray they never find out that I don't work.