His rough hands enveloped yours as you tried to leave once again.
“Zayn, baby.”
You looked at him only to be met with tired brown eyes.
“Okay, food can wait.” You laughed and he smiled at you.
You laid back down in the small bed once more, trying to get comfortable as Zayn barely moved, drifting back to sleep again. It had been like this for months. You visit, he sleeps. He was so tired lately it hurt. You felt so bad for him. He never asked for this. You remembered you happy, energetic boy you met in 2010, right when their career just got started. He was never tired. Always ready and up for anything. The sound of people talking outside grabbed your attention.
He’s tired more and more, and she still seems to always come and visit, even when she knows he’ll just fall asleep on her.
You sighed, leaning over to kiss Zayn’s temple. He smiled in his sleep. You closed your eyes, not sleeping, but relaxing. You took in the sounds of the room. Clatters outside of people walking around, a car horn in the distance, a slight beeping that you learned to drown out. Zayn’s voice rang through the room. He was singing, in his sleep. You sat up and stared at him. For a split second you saw the young energetic man that he used to be. That all faded when he groaned, turning over on his side. You sighed and laid back down, once again taking in everything.
***
Winter was here and everything was how it used to be. Zayn was still tired. Never seeming to get any slack, always having to do something else. You protested with everyone to let him have a break, but they all knew that couldn’t happen. You entered the white room that was all too familiar. Zayn laid in the bed, actually awake this time.
He looked up and met your gaze. Bags were under his eyes and his hair was a mess. A small smile appeared on his face and he seemed okay.
“Hey baby.” His raspy voice soon showed you he wasn’t.
You sat next to him, “So um, I was talking with the boys and management, and yeah them… I told them you needed a break babe. The things that are supposed to be helping aren’t anymore. I think you need time to maybe think.”
He sighed, “You know I can’t do that.”
You nodded and stood up.
“I have to go visit El, I’ll call you later okay, if you’re up.”
He nodded and gave you the biggest smile he could.
“I’ll make sure I’m up.”
You smiled and giggled, feeling giddy inside like how you felt in your first date with him, 2 years ago. You walked over to him and kissed him passionately on the lips. You felt his move with you, trying to give the kiss his all. he pulled away and looked at you.
“I love you.”
“I love you.” You said back, and with that, you left. That was the end.
Here you are now, sitting at the desk in your guys’ shared apartment, reading the note he made Niall give you when he was gone.
Babe,
He baby. How are you? Well I guess if you’re reading this, the cancer finally got me eh? And if it hasn’t then this is awkward…haha! Hey remember our first date to that little fair that happened to be in town that week? I met you there and we started talking because you spill soda on both of us. You little klutz :) I love you though. That small action made us start this beautiful thing we have. I remember you saying how you always fuck up with guys and I asked you right then and there if you wanted to go on a date with me. And you said yes, when? What was my answer?
“Now.”
Now. Ahh the good ol’ days. Okay, serious time…I’m sitting here, about to tell him to stop treatment. You went to go visit El. they told me I wouldn’t last for more than a couple of days. I made the boys and management and the doctors swear not to tell you that I made them stop it. I don’t want to hear goodbyes in my last days of life, and I know you’ll do that you sap!
You chuckled, “Am not.”
Yes you are! ;) So now you know. I’m sorry I lied. I’m sorry that I made you go through these rough months with me, but I thank you for staying with me. and never once falling out of love with this weak fragile thing that now writes this letter to the love of his life. God I love you so much. Now baby, I’m not going to write how much I love you and all the normal goodbye letters, because I know you already know how much I love you. Do you?
“Yes.”
Good. Now baby, I know months after I’m gone it’s going to be hard, but I need you to promise me something. You’ll recover. I don’t need you mopping in bed. And trust me, all your friends will be checking on you and so will the boys. I wrote them all letters as well, telling them to look after my baby. Promise me that.
“I promise.”
That’s my girl. Now another promise, here we go. I want…need you to find love again. Find that special someone that can make you feel the same way I did. Because, god you fucking deserve to have love. I know I’m not there anymore to fill that spot for you, but I hope that I always have some part of your heart. But I need you to let someone else have some of that big heart too. Promise?
You nodded your head.
Say it.
“I promise baby.”
Good. Y/N, I love you so much. I am sorry you and I never had the chance to walk down that isle, or have 7 babies like you always wanted to. Or never got to buy that big white house by the lake like in The Notebook, but that’s why i want you to fall in love again.
“but I’m in love with you.”
I know I know, you’re in love with me, and I’m in love with you! But baby, I’m gone now. It’s time to give another man that lucky shot because you deserve to have that physical love there as well. but always know baby I’m here. And when your time comes, you’re going to die old with many children, in that big white house by the lake in bed, peaceful. And guess who will be up there waiting for you…
“you.”
That’s right, me. And we will be able to do all the things you always wanted to do with me. One more promise, never forget me and what we had. I know that’s hard to ask if you are going to fall in love again, but please don’t forget me.
“I won’t I promise. Never.”
Thank you. i love you so much. Thank you for filling that void in my heart. Thank you for helping me feel something I never thought existed. I love you baby.
Love always,
Zayn
“I love you too.”
P.S. I love you
