I Capital L Love You

mr. and mrs. oliver lawson

July 21st
Dear Oliver,

Well, my journal is back from jail. You know what that means – you're married.

The... event was yesterday, and I'm slightly hungover, but my mind is sharp enough to remember everything in detail. It was certainly a bittersweet day for me, but surprisingly, there was light at the end of the tunnel. Before I jump into that, I should really start at the beginning of the day...

Yesterday was cloudy with a 70% chance of rain. It was as if Mother Nature was on Team Sophie and knew exactly how I was feeling inside.

Of course, Bri-zilla (haha, see what I did there?) was freaking out because it wasn't sunny. "Oh no, it's going to rain all over my outdoor wedding!" and "Fuck, the pictures are going to look fucking shitty!" and "Why couldn't the fucking clouds cooperate for just one day?"

And somehow, it became my job to calm her down and deliver silver linings. I told her that cloudy days are better for portraits, and she'd end up glad that it wasn't sunny. We haven't seen the pictures yet, but I am 90% sure that they turned out better than they would have on a harsh, sunny day. Bri didn't have to deal with sweat and runny makeup or squinting eyes or shadows on faces.

     Silver linings.

     If I don't reach my end goal from this exercise, at least I've gotten better at finding the silver linings in life.

     My entire outlook on life has changed in the past six months because of therapy and writing my feelings. I feel more positive, less cynical, and more active, less passive. The weights that were always impeding me haven't disappeared, but they don't feel as burdensome and oppressive. All because of a little change in the way I've been thinking. Wow. A little change really does go a long way.

     Okay, back to the story of your wedding day.

     After the pictures with the bridesmaids and groomsmen, everyone went to the venue and waited for the rest of your guests to show up. I sat with our college friends in the pews, trying to distract myself as you and Bri took more pictures together.

Talking to old friends and your family did nothing to help. I was there physically, but my mind was miles away, spinning in endless anxious circles.

     And when the ceremony finally started, I took my place up there, next to you as the Best Woman. It took everything in me to not bawl while I handed you the velvet box with your wedding rings. My traitorous eyes teared up a tiny bit, but at least I could excuse them by claiming they were happy wedding tears. Nobody had to know that the stray droplets were sad ones, lamenting the nail in the coffin of the possibility of anything new between us.

And as the priest presented Mr. and Mrs. Oliver Lawson for the first time, the mild wetness turned into a full-on waterfall. It was the kind of tears that ruined my carefully applied waterproof mascara.

     At least the ceremony was over quickly, and I was able to run to the restroom before I looked even more like a clown.

     Believe it or not, the ceremony was the easiest part of the day. Things were just getting started, and I still had to survive the reception...

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