I Capital L Love You

in Love with you and happy-less

May 20th
Dear Oliver,

     Okay, well Nate Jameson was not the one. We broke up. We sort of dated for about three weeks, so I'm not really sure if it's classified as a real breakup, but I am going to classify it as one.

     We went on five amazing dates, so I was really blindsided when he showed up at my place and said the dreaded four words, "we need to talk."

     Apparently, Nate could tell that I was hung up on "some other dude." (You, Oliver Lawson).

     I told him the (half)truth, saying that I've been hung up on someone for a while. I also apologized for starting something with him, since all of this is completely unfair to him.

     He responded by scoffing and muttering something about how the money he spent on our dates was wasted because I didn't want to put out. The silver lining is that I dodged a bullet there. It's really a good thing that dickhole was not the one.

     But, now, I'm back at square one: in Love with you and happy-less (That's not a word, but you know what I mean). You know what? I'm not at square one. That's too far. I'm really at square zero.

     Now that I'm looking back on the past few weeks, I'm realizing that I have to be happy by myself before I bring someone else into the equation.

     Adding another person to a sinking ship just makes it sink more. So, I am currently alone on a ship that is sinking in my own personal sea of tears. How fun.

     Maybe I'll run into another person in this sea, or maybe I won't. I need to figure out how to navigate back to shore on my own.

     And that just makes me wonder if I'll ever forget you. Will I ever meet someone new that I'll be able to fall for? And if I do, will I ever love them as much as I Love you? Is there room in my heart for romantic love for anyone other than you?

     I hope so. This life will be a lonely ride if there isn't.

     I don't know. I might be feeling down after my dating fail, but I'm starting to think that you're the only one for me – you're my soulmate.

     Like that story we were told as kids in Mr. Jones' class. Remember? The one about the string of fate. That some higher power connects two people with a red string of fate that's all tangled up. And throughout the pair's life, the string becomes less and less tangled until the soulmates meet each other face-to-face.

     I'm starting to think that we had the string of fate, but your end got knotted or cut somewhere. I was able to untangle the string and find you, but you weren't able to find me. Is that possible? I don't know.

     I'm probably (definitely) being melodramatic, but I just feel that the past five months have been such a waste. I have barely gotten anywhere after all of this time and effort trying to scrub the metaphorical tattoo of you off me.

     Sometimes I just feel like I'm an already completed chapter in the book of your life. But you, Oliver, are my entire book.

     And that makes me feel... odd (?). I'm not sad, but I feel hollow inside. There's something (not you) that's missing, but I don't know what it is and if I actually want it.

     All I have ever wanted is you.

     Is it worth having something that's not you?

It pains me to think about anyone who isn't you.

     It's true when they say that pain changes people. It makes them bitter and resistant to love. It makes them stop believing in love altogether, which is arguably one of the most magical things to exist.

I'm opposed to love from anyone but you – I don't want it if it's not yours. Above all, I don't want to keep living this way. I want my hope back, but I don't know how to get it back.

Would that involve cutting you out forever?

Maybe, maybe not. We'll have to see as time goes on.

     It's hard for me to turn the page and know that you might not be in the next book or chapter, but the story must go on.

~•~•~•~••~•~•~•~