Date Her Instead Vol. 4

Chapter Twenty-Two: Renewed Hope

Christmas of Kanako's second year of high school had truly become one of the worst days of her life. After having her confession completely fail, her subsequent shock had prevented her from going after Haruna. Then, Michi had found her sitting on the sidewalk in the snow, and that had let to yet another fight with her former best friend (albeit one-sided).

Since that night, very little had happened. Kanako had gotten past her shock for the most part, but that had only led to her feeling depressed. Some part of her knew that she should just go next door and talk to Haruna, or even just call her, but she just couldn't bring herself to do either. Haruna had once felt so within reach, and now she felt impossibly far away.

The next week had consisted of Kanako doing a lot of lying around, staring blankly at things and sighing. It had gotten so bad to the point that her own parents insisted she get out of the house, if only for a change of scenery (and a reprieve from their daughter's mood) Naturally, they had both tried asking what had happened, but all Kanako would say was "Nothing."

Their concern certainly felt warranted. When Kanako had come home on Christmas night, her mom had seen her skirt covered in wet splotches, her makeup a mess, and Kanako's hair had come mostly undone. Her mother had tried to make sure that Kanako was okay, but she hadn't even gotten a response then. Instead, all Kanako had done was shuffle past her and to her room, before getting into the bath.

Throughout all of her moping, she had also been doing a lot of thinking, and as she did, she found that her gaze tended to drift in the direction of the house next door. Kanako often wondered what Haruna was doing, and if she was thinking about her. "Probably not..." Kanako would usually conclude. After all, Haruna had assumed she was getting rejected. If she had made that assumption, that meant she had probably already thought over her feelings and came to accept that outcome. What reason would there be for her to be thinking about Kanako?

She hoped she was wrong. Haruna had confessed to her. Was it really possible for her to have already given up on those feelings entirely? Kanako wanted to believe that wasn't possible, and that she still had a chance, but... No matter how much she tried to think that, it just wouldn't register.

Whatever it was that Kanako was feeling, it prevented her from having any real sense of optimism. She hesitated to call it heartbreak, but at the same time, there didn't seem to be a better word for it. To her, heartbreak meant getting rejected after confessing or someone breaking up with you. In Kanako's case, she hadn't even been in a relationship, and Haruna, the one who had confessed, had also indirectly rejected her.

"What has my life come to..." Kanako sighed to herself. Her first love, Akio, had pretended to ask her out only to play it off as some cruel joke. Her second love, Haruna, had bared her heart to Kanako only to turn around and basically take it back. Was there something about Kanako that made people want to rescind their love?

Thinking that brought Kanako back to the critical question she had asked Michi. She had known the girl wouldn't be able to answer, but she had asked anyway, if for no other reason than to have some sort of response.

Kanako wanted to know what if meant to love. She thought she had known. If she loved with all her heart, and those feelings were reciprocated, then that was that. She'd probably get in a relationship with that person and they'd be happy together. And yet, when put into practice, it didn't work out so well. Admittedly, there had been times when Kanako had been the obstacle in her own way, but she couldn't help but feel like more often than not, it was how she loved that seemed to keep getting her in trouble.

She had loved Akio so much that she had had tunnel vision. That tunnel vision not only got herself hurt, but also Haruna in the process. Then, in the pursuit of the perfect night, Kanako had put Haruna's feelings on hold for too long, and they had turned into something else, rearing their head at Kanako instead of meeting her gently.