Crowns of Flame and Ice - Book One

(2) Hidden Vulnerabilities

I'd been walking back and forth before these doors for five minutes now repeating the same words over and over in my head, my name is Anala Castilio I am alone and I will not be afraid, my name is Anala Castilio I am alone and I will not be afraid. It was what I thought of when I began to fear, it reminded me that whatever I did no one would be punished for my actions simply because there weren't many people for my family to hurt. After no one had brought my dinner upstairs I'd decided it was probably a silent order to eat downstairs so I'd slipped on a pair of trousers and a short-sleeve shirt that I knew my sisters would complain about and headed to the dining room. I wasn't afraid of who was inside of that room but rather what was inside of it. My entire family would be in there, all sat shielded by a blanket of power that I didn't feel they deserved. And yet they all seemed to revel in it, I personally didn't see the positives of having your own kingdom be terrified of you but they did, they loved when rooms would tremble in their presence, when people would cower and fall when they so much as glanced in their direction so I would not give them the satisfaction of watching me fear them too. My name is Anala Castilio I am alone and I will not be afraid, my name is Anala Castilio I am alone and - "Anala!" a familiar voice called. Sending thanks to the gods, I turned to face Rosie who now stood at my side, grinning.

Rosie, the small, brown-haired young woman looked completely flustered as she handed me a covered plate of something with a red sweaty face. "you look... well-rested" I giggled, taking the plate from her hands. she scowled up at me before grumbling "the new chef did everything wrong in the kitchen so I've been helping him since 6 AM". Rosie was not supposed to cook, she hated cooking, I could see that she looked seriously unhappy and tired so I grabbed her by the wrist and pulled her down the hallway without even giving her a chance to disagree. hurrying down the stone hall, Rosie not too far behind I come to a stop at a slight dent in one of the walls that I'd marked with chalk, too small to be noticed unless you were looking for it. placing my fingers onto the cool stone I watch as it slips back into the wall and is replaced by a wooden panel with a black copper handle. It was heavy and cold in my hand as I tugged at it and an unusually shaped door still made from the brick wall swung forward revealing the dark room beyond. I Quickly light the candle I knew was by the door before shoving Rosie inside and closing the door behind us before anyone could notice we were gone. "so is this where you disappear off to when we can't find you?" Rosie asks, glancing around at the grey walls and the two tattered armchairs I'd found when I'd discovered this place. "err.. sort of" I reply, it wasn't. there were hundreds of little hidden rooms in this castle, and those were only the ones I'd found. There could be even more tucked into the walls and floor of this ancient castle, long forgotten by now. I'd spent years trying to learn where they all were after I'd discovered the first one and I'd given up trying to find more a year ago when it seemed I'd found all of the ones I could.

"you do realise your father isn't going to be happy when you don't turn up at dinner right?" Rosie asks, slumping down in one of the armchairs and stretching out her legs. "well technically he didn't actually ask me to attend" I reply, sitting down next to her. he probably wouldn't remember or notice I wasn't there anyway, he was more than likely too busy planning the best and most brutal way to show how powerless people were against him. Whatever it was he was doing clearly wasn't working very well if that attack a while ago was any indication, it only made him angrier and more bloodthirsty. he was a coward I realised, he couldn't fight, he relied on fancy titles and harsh words to get what he wanted. "that's why I brought you that, I know how much you hate family reunions" Rosie chuckled pointing toward the plate in my lap. it was true, I spent most of my time trying to avoid them, I was never directly invited to evening meals with them anyway and when I was, it was because they wanted something. I mumble my gratitude down into my plate as I stab a piece of chicken with my fork and put it in my mouth, I hadn't even realised how hungry I was after not eating since breakfast. "you're going to have to see them at some point" Rosie points out chuckling as I gobble down the food. I doubted they'd even realised I was missing, there probably wasn't even a place prepared for me at their table. I sigh, set down my knife and fork onto the plate thinking back to all the times I'd been forced to attend compulsory meetings and events and there had never once been a place for me. "they're all too wrapped up in their own arrogance and power to notice my absence" I reply, but when Rosie starts looking around anxiously I stand and continue in my best interpretation of my father's voice "oh look at me! I'm the king of Vauxhaven I have a big fancy ugly castle everyone hates me and my favourite hobby is finding ways to insert my ego into everyone's lives so they all know how much of a prick I am". Rosie tries to hide the smile tugging at the corner of her lips but fails so I push my chest out, roll my shoulders back and continue "oh and I love getting people to do everything for me because I'm too much of a pussy to do it myself but look at my crown! it means I'm important!" Rosie let out a nervous laugh but then when I start laughing she laughed with me so much she almost fell out of her chair and I had to sit back in mine to avoid falling forwards.

After a few minutes of uncontrolled laughter we both sit back gasping for breath with pink faces and tear-filled eyes. "you really shouldn't talk about your father like that" Rosie giggles wiping her face, "well if he has a problem perhaps he should come and tell me" I replied rolling my eyes and gesturing to the room. He couldn't find me in here even if he wanted to and the probability of him actually coming to talk to me himself was very low, he'd likely either send some servant to deliver a letter confessing his utmost disappointment or if the situation was bad enough maybe even mother. The last time he'd done that I'd burst out laughing and she was absolutely furious when I couldn't stop, it wasn't as funny though when she'd locked my bedroom door behind her and taken the key. My smile falters when I realised I couldn't remember the last time I'd laughed like that, laughed without fear of the walls crushing me... was that because Rosie was here? I frown at the irony, realising the small room we're stuck in was even more confining and closed up now Rosie was here and I wasn't alone. Just as I start to panic and my breath becomes ragged Rosie places a hand on my shoulder and whispers "soon" "what?" I reply trying to calm my uneven breathing - this room was too small, the walls were too thick, it was too dark. "things never stay the same forever, eventually something will have to change" Rosie murmurs running a soothing hand down my back. But would they? How could they change when all my family wanted was power and control and they loved controlling me... containing me, just as I was contained now.

I shot to my feet, knocking the plate off my lap, run over to the door not even caring if anyone saw the secret room and throw open the door letting the dim light of the castle hallway fill it. I was still stuck still trapped in this grave of stone and I needed to get out. Rosie started walking toward me and I hear her blow out the candle before quietly closing the door. she placed her hand on my shoulder gripping me, holding me in place stopping me from moving forward. not wanting to show her how anxious that hand made me feel I shrug off her grip before sprinting down the hall passing concerned looking servants, walls covered in paintings that I hardly even recognised in my panic. only when I ran through the door to the garden and fell to my knees did my lungs start working again. not even noticing the blinding pain in my knees from the impact, my shaking hands gripping the cold grass anchoring me to the earth. short gasping sobs make their way out of me and tears start falling from my eyes, Quickly cooling against my face with the cold, still night pressing in on me.

My head began to fill up with thoughts as my shaking and sobbing subsided, a claustrophobic princess... how ridiculous. I couldn't let anyone see this weakness that threatened to destroy me, they'd only use it against me, especially my family. Small spaces themselves were not the issue, in fact, I'd always loved disappearing into the hidden rooms in the castle to read or to sleep but when Rosie was there too all I could think about was how easy it would be for her to hurt me in that hidden vulnerable space I couldn't get out of. would I ever get out of this castle? would I ever get to see the city during the day? would I.... no. I can't keep thinking like that it couldn't possibly end well, I'd get out someday... someday. Rosie would never hurt me on purpose, she'd been there when no one else dared and even though she couldn't... wouldn't go against the king to help me I knew she'd push as much as she could. A cool soothing wind wrapped around me, jostling my hair as if invisible hands were running their fingers through it, like a hug. it left gentle icy kisses against my skin, silencing my riotous thoughts and drying my tears. this wind was unusual I thought, it had been cold and still all day and not even an orange autumn leaf had been blown out of place. hoping the wind embrace would follow me to my feet I stand up, but as I do so the wind leaves with a whisper taking my fears along with it, it strangely felt more like a hello than a goodbye.

My hands began to shake again when I saw the entrance to the castle, saw those thick brick walls that divided me from the world outside. I reminded myself my name is Anala Castilio, I am alone and I will not be afraid and take a step into the flickering candlelight of the room beyond. No servants or chatter interrupted me as I walked down the empty halls, they were probably either asleep or in their own chambers by now. Deciding that was probably a good thing that they wouldn't notice my mood and maybe even send word to my father, I slip into my bedroom and close the door. too tired and overwhelmed to even make it to my bed, my knees buckle and I slide down to the floor with my back pressed up against the wooden door. I savoured the feeling of the cool wood against me, soothing me into a sleep so dark and heavy that my regular nightmares were more vicious than usual.