Hazel Levesque || ANGST

Influences

Basic info: Reyna x Hazel, they're all legal adults. Hazel is physically 22.
TW/CW: alcohol, cigarettes

Hazel staggered through the front door of her and Reyna's apartment, trying desperately to make out the furniture through her blurred line of sight. She hadn't meant for the drinking to get so out of control, just two glasses of whatever Dakota made her was what she had sworn upon. And the cigarettes definitely weren't part of the plan. And yet, here she was, stumbling through the crowded but not cluttered apartment at 2am, praying to any god she could think of that Reyna was asleep already.

There was no sign of her girlfriend, so Hazel assumed that she was off the hook. Reyna didn't need to know. Besides, this was just a one time thing, a small sacrifice to make to gain the respect of her legion and finally, finally fit in, to belong truly in the modern world.

~~~

A few weeks passed. Hazel went out again, and again, until it became a part of her daily routine. She found herself reaching reflexively for a glass and a smoke - how was it that a simple wish to fit in with the modern world and its influences had turned into a problem, all within a week? She found sobriety exhausting and emotional, it was suddenly just simpler and more convenient to have a glass or a cocktail filled with strong alcohol than to face the effects of her trauma and daily ordeals. The stress dissipated. She was loose. Perhaps Dakota was right - it was simply better to do all this. One thing was for certain, it was definitely easier.

It wasn't that she enjoyed the feeling of being drunk, nor the feeling of the death stick between her lips. No, Hazel had come to despise the feelings with a passion. But most of all, she despised the way she hooked onto them like they were a lifeline. An escape from all the realities she lived in - the mist, the underworld, the past, the present. It drove her mad on bad days. Drained her on good days. But under the influence, she could let it all go. She didn't have to worry about keeping herself in check. She was free.

~~~

It was only once she stumbled through the door at ten the following morning, with a pounding headache and smelling of cigarettes, that Hazel realised what she was putting the people she loved through.

Reyna, with dark circles under her eyes and a distraught look on her face as she clutched her demigod-friendly phone in one hand and a dark cup off coffee in the other, was sitting at their table. Will sat beside her, and in the kitchen Nico was pacing anxiously. Nope, went Hazel's mind, and she spun on her heel to walk back through that door and not come back until she was certain Reyna was back in their bed, and her brother and his husband had left. Part of her felt incredibly guilty for what she'd done. How many times had she scolded Nico for drinking far too much, had she talked Reyna down from lighting a cigarette, had she urged Will to leave the painkillers in their place in the hospital? She was an embarrassment - an awful girlfriend and an awful sister and sister in law.

Hazel silently opened the door again to walk out, flinching when the hinge let out a loud squeeeaaak. Three heartbreaking faces instantly faced her, and she lost it.
Hazel broke down on the floor, then and there. Last night's alcohol was threatening to make a reappearance, but she held it in in favour of sobbing on the floor. She couldn't stand the look on Reyna's face, a conflict of worry and anger and disappointment. Nico's expression was no better - a calm demeanour, but an angry, protective fire blazing in his coal black eyes. Even Will, the ever positive, caring, ball of sunshine looked saddened by her state.

The three people she had come to love as her own family must have hated her. The thoughts almost killed her then and there, and she fought the urge to get up and shuffle to the kitchen and pour a glass of strong wine. That wouldn't help her, she discovered. All it would do was make things much, much worse.
"Hazel," Reyna's voice sounded far away, broken.
"Reyna..." she whispered in response, shuddering as tears steadily streamed down her dark cheeks.

"Mi sorellina, what have you done?" Nico wrapped his arms around Hazel, and she collapsed into them, unable to hold herself together any longer. Her brother smelled faintly of garlic and tomatoes, and she vaguely registered a small saucepan on the stove. He must have been cooking. That only happened when he was really stressed out or anxious.
Hazel sobbed. "I'm sorry... I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry..."

Will was next to her in a second. "Hazel, take deep breaths for me. Okay? In.... out. In.... out." His voice was like honey, slow and sweet, and Hazel tried to match his breathing. Sobs wracked her body, her breathing was shaky and short. It all hurt, so much. She didn't deserve their love right now. She didn't deserve them at all. But she tried to calm down. To make them happy.

Reyna had remained very still throughout the whole thing, clutching her coffee, but not sipping it at all. Her stare bore holes in Hazel, her chocolate eyes melting her girlfriend on sight. Hazel couldn't stand that she'd hurt her.

As she calmed down, Hazel told them. She told them all everything, how she'd just wanted to fit in, and how Dakota made it seem like she was safe at all times. She told them how hard it was to be sober for her, and how getting drunk had made her realise how much she actually struggled in daily life. And most of all, she told them how sorry she was, how much she didn't deserve them. She told them everything.

Reyna still remained silent, and Hazel shakily got up and took her hands.
"Reyna, I know. I know I've let you down, and if you wish for me to leave and never come back..." she inhaled sharply. "I'll listen. But I love you, okay? That hasn't changed. I'm not worthy to be loved by you, I know. And you deserve so much better than what I can give. And I'm sorry I can't..."
"Hazel," Reyna finally spoke, and they locked eyes. She spoke with meaning, with determination, with passion. "Don't you ever think that I don't love you."

Her eyes blazed with emotion. "You and I, we'll get through this."

And Hazel finally felt a glimmer of hope as their lips met once more.