To Fall Apart

Chapter 42

Chapter 42

I suddenly want to run away. I want to just hide and pretend that I didn't see him.

But I can't now that he's looking at me. Lumunok ako at dahan-dahang naglakad papunta sa kanya. Each step is like falling in a cliff. I am aware that I'll get hurt but I still continue falling.

Tumabi ako sa kanya at humawak din sa railings. Sinalubong ng panggabing hangin ang mukha ko at nilipad nito ang buhok ko.

I took a glance at Van and I caught him waiting for me go look back. Nag-iwas ako ng tingin.

"A-Are you okay?" I asked almost a whisper.

Humugot sya ng malalim na hininga bago tumingin sa kawalan. Nanatili ang titig ko sa kanya. Silence enveloped us. For a moment I thought he won't answer me not until he spoke.

"How was it?" he asked. His voice is deep and husky. Even you don't look you'll still realized that he's hurting.

Lumunok ako.

"How was what?" I asked. Van took a deep breath before he darted his eyes at me.

"How was it giving birth to him? How was it hearing his first cry? How was it seeing him smile? How was it seeing him take his first walk, speak his first word.... How was it Andy? How was it raising him alone?"

Kumirot ang puso ko. Bigla na lang nagbukol ang lalamunan ko at nanubig ang mga mata ko sa tanong nya.

Van smiled at me sarcastically. Hindi ko alam pero mas lalo akong nasaktan.

"I wasn't there. Wala man lang ako noong mga panahon na kailangan mo ako. I wasn't there with you. I... I am so fucking idiot." aniya at ngumisi. Nag-iwas naman ako ng tingin

Suminghap ako ng bigla syang nagalakd papunta sa likuran ko. I stiffened when he slowly wrapped his arms on my waist. Bigla nya na lang ako niyakap mula sa likuran at sinsubsob ang mukha sa leeg ko.

Hindi ako agad nakagalaw. My body felt like shutting down. Him hugging me from the back reminds me of the days when everything were just so easy.

It's just Van and Andy who teases each other in highschool. It's just Van and Andy who are contented and happy in love.

But now ... It's just Van alone. And me.

"Andy..." he called me.  Nagbara ang lalamunan ko kaya hindi ako nakasagot.

"Tell me... What did I miss while we're apart?" he whispered.

Sunod sunod ang pagpatak ng mga luha ko. Hindi ako nagkaroon ng pagkakataon na punasan yun ng higpitan nya ang yakap sa akin.

"Please. Let me know... Tell me. I want to know how you come this far alone. Share me your pain Andy. I am willing to take it from you."

Yumuko ako bago humikbi. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang gagawin ko. Nasasaktan ako. I don't know why he needs to ask me this questions.

And importante lang naman ay si Giddeon. Yung sa akin hindi na mahalaga.

"I-It's nothing. That's all in the past now. Ayos na ako." my voice cracked.

Van suddenly pressed his lips on my shoulder and I almost sucked out of breath.

"Still baby. Please I'm begging you to know." he said weakly.

Tumango ako. What can I do? His weak voice is hurting me. I just want this to get over.