Souls | Severus Snape

5 | Give Up On Me

Severus was trying to grade his first year students' papers but he could not concentrate, as his mind was directing him to you. Dropping his quill on the table, he let out an exasperated sigh and leaned against his chair, pinching the bridge of his nose.

He was thinking of your endeavours to talk to him for weeks, and never once did he give you a chance to discuss the whole soulmates thing with him. Sometimes he wanted to, but he was worried if he let you come too close to him, both of you would end up being hurt, and Severus was hurt enough.

But you had stopped trying to talk to him after you sent him a letter, and he was wondering if you were hoping for a letter from him too, or you were tired of him and you wanted to give up on him.

A part of him was dreading to know if you had finally given up on him, just like how everyone else did.

His eyes landed on your letter, the one that he read a few times already but he never found the guts to write back to you. Taking it in his hands, he started to read your beautiful handwriting once again, word by word, your sincerity was overwhelming him, but every single time he finished reading your letter, he convinced himself that you were not the one he wanted.   

Severus would be a liar if he ever say that he was not waiting for you. Since the day he discovered about soulmates, something bloomed in his heart, he could not wait to finally meet the one in his dreadful life. He believed his soulmate could love him unconditionally, but his faith was diminishing when he never found you. And his life was turned upside down when his heart betrayed his faith.

He fell in love with Lily.

He wanted her to be his soulmate, but he knew she was not. She was meant to another but still, he prayed he would get his love. Sometimes Severus wondered if his love for Lily was true, or was it just something that he felt to cope with your absence?  

Scoffing, he shook his thought away and he kept your letter in a box which was charmed so only he could access to it. It offended him a little when you thought he would crumple your letter and throw it away when he treasured it, a letter from his soulmate. He was not sure why he kept it dearly, when he thought he hated you, but nevertheless, he knew his soulmate meant something to him.

Severus knew he was starting to see things from your perspective, and he felt for you too, as you had been waiting for him for your whole life, only to be given cold shoulder by your soulmate. He was selfish for shrugging you off, and he knew it more than anyone else. 

You were trying so hard to understand him and his reasons, but he could not do the same for you. It was hard for him to open his heart after years of waiting, and after telling himself every day that he would never be in love with another woman. 

The professor's hand was trembling as he picked up his quill and started to write your name, thinking if his action was prudent. He found himself writing words that he could not say to you.

Dear Y/N,

I know now how important this matter is to you, and it is important to me too. I have been waiting for you for years, and then I stopped hoping for you, and I was giving up until the day you came. It was too good to be true, and I know I shouldn't have walked away from you.

Before I found you, or rather you found me, I thought I was doomed to live without a soulmate. I do not know how to do this with you, but I am happy to know that you are trying to understand me. You are right that this will not work if one of us doesn't want to leave the past behind us.  

I want to leave my past behind me, and I want to do it with you.

Yours truly,

Severus Snape.

Was he really ready to leave his past behind him? Severus pondered for awhile, and now he was concerned if he really wanted to move on with his life and forgetting what he had— Or what he had lost in his past.

You were the reason he lost her.

If you were not his soulmate, perhaps he could have Lily as his, and he would not have to watch her finding her own soulmate and married him. Severus clenched his jaw at the memory and before he could stop himself, the letter was crumpled in his hands.

Staring at the letter, he was not sure if you were the one he wanted. It pained him to think that he was pushing his soulmate away, and he knew his bond with you was so strong that he could feel pain every time you looked at him with your sad smile. He wanted to make you happy, but he did not know if he could.

He was convinced he hated you, and there was no way he could be friends with you, let alone to fall in love even if you were his soulmate.

Hate was such a strong word and Severus believed in it, and he knew his life would be better without your existence. Huffing in anger, Severus put the crumpled letter in the charmed box, telling himself that you were the cause of his devastation and he could never stand you.

Severus would always push you away from his life.

It bugged him a little after he decided not to send you the letter, feeling as if he was really a coward for hiding from his reality and being stuck in his tormenting past. But upon hearing your name from McGonagall, he was sure his hatred for you was still there, and it disturbed him so much to hear her talk about you to him.

"You should give her a chance, Severus. Give yourself a chance too!"

The older professor would not just sit still and watch as Severus ruined his future with you. She knew she had to interfere, and she needed to knock some sense into Snape's head if he failed to see how precious you were to him.

"Stop it, Minerva. I'm tired of hearing about her." 

Severus grunted, as Minerva walked by his side, persistent to persuade him into talking to you when he made it clear that it was not going to happen. All teachers were talking about how good you were, and how kind your heart was, making curiosity grew in his chest to know more about you but his ego was far too big for that.

"She is your soulmate, Severus. There is no way you can be tired of her."

She pointed out, and it struck the Potions Master that her words were correct. He was annoyed every time he heard your name, but he could never be tired of you, no matter how much he wanted to. He was always left wanting to hear more and more about you, but he forbid himself from talking to you, thinking that it was absurd for him to be friends with someone who he felt deep repugnance for.

"Stop lying to yourself. You need her just as much as she needs you."

Minerva said, smiling as Severus was silent for a moment, thinking about what she just said. But then he shook his head, returning her smile with a hardened glare.

"I will never love her."

He muttered, making Minerva rolled her eyes at his stubbornness. 

"I'm not asking you to love her, you idiot. If you're not ready for love, then you can be friends with her. No need to make her out as an enemy."

The way Severus was treating you was nothing like soulmates should act towards each other and it baffled McGonagall to see Severus being so oblivious and ignorant towards your feelings.

"It is unfair for Y/N if you keep ignoring her."

She added, and Severus let out a wistful sigh. He was reminded of his letter which was written to you, but he was drowning in the past that he was afraid to let go and grasp his future. He knew it was unfair for you, but that was just how it was with him.

"Well it may have escaped your notice, but life isn't fair."

He retorted, hoping that his colleague would stop pestering him about you. Minerva could not help but groaned at his words, irritated to hear his many excuses of not being able to accept that he deserved to be happy just like others too.

"Don't pull that shit on me, Snape."

She responded, clearly annoyed with Severus' behaviour. She stopped walking and watched as the younger professor ignored her, and he walked into the Great Hall, leaving Minerva who was smiling sadly at him, thinking if Severus insisted to stay away from you, the happiness which was destined for him might be impossible for him to reach.