Blank Slate

Chapter 124 - Christoper Paxton

My god, she was absolutely beautiful and frustratingly impossible to communicate with. The more I talked with her and saw how she responded to the world around her, the more my heart hurt for her. Payton had such a fucked up view of herself. I was starting to understand why, but I hated it. I hated it for her. I hated it for the possibility of a future us. I just hated it.

Maybe I could help her see herself in a better light. In a more realistic light.

But I couldn't do anything of the sort until I apologized. I was so incredibly out of line when I kissed her in that sad cabin in New Jersey. Everything about that day was ten kinds of wrong, including me. I had spent the entire time I was healing obsessing over Payton, and over time those emotions and thoughts had taken on a life of their own until it was impossible not to believe that she felt the same way for me. But everything I was feeling was inside of my head and Payton didn't really have any reason to reciprocate my deep feelings for her.

What I did was very unfair and grossly inappropriate. Especially now that I know about her childhood. And the guilt of that realization was eating me up inside. I needed to make it right.

"Listen, Payton," I started and her haunted eyes focused on me and I couldn't help but wonder about where her mind had just gone. What thoughts were running through her head at this moment? God, I really was obsessed with everything this woman did. "I was really out of line when I kissed you. I know that I was wrong to spring my feelings on you like that and I never meant to force you to do something you weren't ready for, I just got lost in the moment. Clearly, I got lost in a different moment than you were lost to, and I am so very sorry that I read the situation wrong and did something that made you feel uncomfortable."

Payton took a moment to study me after my apology and I got the distinct feeling that she was trying to decipher my motives. Whether she was questioning the kiss yesterday, or my apology now, I didn't know but I was desperate to find out. What I wouldn't do for her to just talk openly with me.

"I didn't flinch away from you because I was scared of you," Payton finally said, surprising the hell out of me. This woman always zizzed when I thought she was going to zag. "Yes, you surprised me with the kiss and I think we should talk about that, but I flinched away because seeing Ezra after he drugged me triggered a flashback from my childhood. It takes me a while to realize that I am in a flashback and sometimes I react to the situation playing out in my head instead of the real world. To be completely honest, I have been having more and more flashbacks since joining this team. It is one of the reasons I think that this might not be the best place for me. But I can't seem to get myself to move on, even though it seems like the most logical next step."

Just the thought of her leaving caused my heart rate to speed up and my head to start pounding where they drilled a hole in my skull. I wanted to jump up and pull her into a hug and make her promise not to leave because I needed her in my life. That I would literally go crazy if I didn't know where she was or if she was safe. But I didn't do any of those things because all of those things were insane and I knew they were insane. I was being completely irrational when it came to Payton, and I needed to cool my boosters. So instead of jumping on her like the crazy person inside of me was insisting I do, I rubbed my head to try to ease the headache and said in a very reasonable voice, "Why do you think that you keep stopping yourself from taking that step away from the team?"

Payton narrowed her eyes as if she was really thinking about her answer before saying, "I have never felt anything like the things that I have experienced in the last couple of months. I feel like I can talk to Oliver about almost anything and he won't judge or condemn me. He is so giving and doesn't expect anything in return. Evie told me that we were like sisters and has this easy optimism and cheer that I like being able to witness and help protect. I really believe that I can trust Liam to have my back and I -"