How My Life Turned Upside Down

7 - Oh Shit

Inside one of the dressing rooms in Forever 21, I tugged the shirt over my belly that was starting to get a little bigger. It was definitely a little more visible than last week, but I could still hide the bump, being that it was winter. Wearing clothes in my normal size made it seem like I had gained a few pounds, so I tried on the next size up, which worked fine for now. Hopefully it'll fit for a while.

I gathered the jeans, sweater, and skirt I had brought with me into the dressing room. After paying, I joined back up with Lauren, Ellie, Tori, Teagan, Brenda, Lisette, Summer, Rochi, and Piper and we continued walking through the mall.

Due to the fact that I had a baby dancing on my bladder, I had to run to the bathroom more than a few times. Fortunately, no one found my multiple bathroom trips suspicious. I then realize, with a dripping feeling, that I needed to make one more. Ugh. I don't know if I want, like six or seven more months of this. I have no idea how far along I am, so at this point I'm just guessing.

"Baby, please stop sitting on mommy's bladder." I say quietly to myself, knowing from health class that there's not much they can do. I decide to hold it though, barely keeping track of the conversation as I try to squeeze my bladder shut.

Suddenly, something catches my eye. A baby store.

"Hey," I say, interrupting the current conversation. "I need to pick up something for my cousin Natalie from that store." I point to the baby store.

"She's pregnant." I deadpan, rolling my eyes at the weird stares I had received. I mean, it wasn't like I  was pregnant or anything. "I'll just meet up with you guys when I'm done, ok?" To be fair, Nat really is pregnant, but I also kind of want to see what's in that store.

I'm looking through a rack of boys onesies when a tiny blue one with dinosaurs catches my eye. I take it off the rack and examine it. It's the same one. The exact same one. I run my fingers across the fleecy material and I feel my breath catch in my throat. Then, all of the sudden, without any warning, it hits me like a truck.

.

A five-year-old girl looks through the glass of the incubator at the NICU, marveling at the perfect little baby inside.

"He's so cute!" she giggles, face and hands practically pressed up against the glass. Turning to her father, she asks, "Can we take him home?"

"Soon, baby girl, soon" he replies, ruffling her hair.

"I love you," she whispers, her face is smushed up against the glass now, and a nurse lingers nearby, watching her. "I'll always watch out for you."

The little boy blinked back at her, kicking his legs a little in his cot, causing her to shriek in delight. She ignores the hushed instructions to keep quiet and giggles, making silly faces at the little boy.

She didn't care about the cannula in his nose or the feeding tube or that he was a little smaller than most babies. She just loved him. She loved him with all her heart.

.

I take a step back from the rack, breathing heavily.

"Ma'am, are you alright?" someone asks. The voice sounds slightly distorted and me head feels like it's spinning.

Without bothering to respond, I race out of the store and to the nearest bathroom. Once I'm inside, I lean against the bathroom wall, struggling to control my breathing.

You're okay, Jenna. Calm down, everything is okay. You're fine. Deep breaths. In. Out. In. Out. In. Out.

A few minutes later, I catch up with the rest of the girls in front of the Starbucks in the mall. We walk inside and drag a bunch of tables together.