The Cadaver Collection

Strawberry Ice Cream

Eat no breakfast,

gain no weight.

I'm not quite in love

with feeling faint.

But I'm closer now

than ever before.

Because strawberry ice cream

set me back on my score.

I just feel so gross.

Like what else can I say?

I don't care what you think,

I can lose more weight.

And if I don't lose

the weight while I can,

it'll be even harder

by the time I'm a mom.

But honestly are kids even worth it

when they take your skin

and expand it?

Or the long hours spent

raising them

with no time to better yourself

by the end?

No thank you,

I'll put that off.

Because even though I'd look good pregnant,

I don't have the will to work that weight off.

Cookies and candy

and chips all sitting in me.

They're adding on pounds

that everybody can see.

I hide from the scale

because I already know

that if that number is over 126,

I won't be able to cope.

Some weeks I don't eat

and I feel hungry but strong.

With the weight in my mind

I don't need the fat on my bones.

I wish I could cut,

but I promised him no.

And I haven't yet

and I've told him so.

But there are some scars

left from something else.

But it wasn't my doing.

I wanted the belt.

But not for the reason

I think he thought.

It's the only way to get the scars

while not able to cut.

I don't hate myself.

At least not all the time.

In fact I think I'm better

than most of my kind.

But with the capacity

to love me so much,

hate has to come.

I don't have a problem,

but I hide it from my mom.

I haven't told my therapist

but there's time for that.

The kids I teach

have no idea that

their coach with cat-eye sunglasses

hasn't eaten one thing yet.

But this isn't enough

because I don't keep it up.

This last week was all junk food

and now I'm back in that rut.

I just had some ice cream,

a lot of it too,

and again I'm preparing

to cut back on the food.

It ebbs and flows,

this phase of mine.

Is it love for my body

that has me thinking all the time?

Or maybe it's really good old

fashioned obsession,

and that partners with hate

and now it seems there's a problem.