The Cadaver Collection

Victory Is History

Back to 128.

And now I hate

My body and my heart.

I feel the fat

Under my chin.

I don't feel anything

In my chest.

I'm awake enough to know

That I should be feeling something.

I went to rehab to remember

That I should be feeling something.

But I miss not caring.

I miss being numb.

I miss living with an illness

That excused the effort of thoughtfulness.

Today I saw my best friend.

She was wearing a blue dress

And a matching hat

And her hair looked the same

Even though she had been away.

She smiled like we hadn't missed a beat.

It used to be like that.

Through our first year of college

Our friendship held its form.

But now?

Now I'm learning to let it go.

My body betrayed me

So did she.

I finished rehab and she wasn't there.

I went under the knife

And she wasn't there.

I bled on the hospital linoleum

And she wasn't there.

I thought Ethan could replace her.

He is soft and kind and safe.

We spent hours together

Because we know what it's like

To feel like we're forgotten.

And yet he forgot me.

I begged him to come save me

From the boredom of recovery.

I couldn't walk or move or laugh

And so I wanted to go for a drive.

He never came.

I took a drive with Zee instead.

An unlikely choice,

But much better it seems

Because he cared.

He listened and he cared.

So all my old friends

Up and left

Right when I made my debut.

I debuted as a victor

Over my own mind's sick tricks

Only to be pummeled down in a bloody heap

By my beautiful body,

The body I love so much.

So now my body isn't beautiful,

My victory is history,

And I think I need new friends.