Days of Summer - a Starkid fanfic

Chapter 50

Izzy's POV

I froze, suddenly wide awake. He couldn't know. How did he find out? Do I deny it? What do I say to that? Should I make some sort of excuse? How do I weasel my way out of this?

"I'm sorry, what?"

"I know you self harm." He said it so certainly. As if I had no room to make any sort of excuse. But I could still try. "I'm sorry you must be mistaken. Yes I have some scars but they're not from me self harming. A few are just because I'm clumsy, and some are from my brother's pet attacking me when I was younger."

That part was true, my brother had a bird that hated everyone. It would attack anything that moved. And as a young kid that moved a lot, I'd often receive bites from its sharp beak or it's talons would draw blood. My brother adored it, and it adored him. My parents allowed it because it didn't bother them.

"I accidentally saw the cuts on your arm while you were sleeping. Don't try to deny it." He explained. "I got a good look at them because I wasn't sure I was seeing what I thought I was. There's no way those were accidental scratches."

I didn't say anything. I couldn't. What would I say? He was right, I wouldn't be able to deny anything. Not when he was able to look closely. I couldn't say they were accidental, nor could I say that they were old. Some were very clearly new. I waited for him to continue, but he didn't say anything. The silence echoed.

"Why?" He finally asked.

"Because it helps." I admitted. "I can't really explain it, and I hope you'll never understand the need to do it yourself. But it relieves some of the emotions I have. I'm so exhausted from everything and this one thing I have control over. I don't expect you to understand, and I hope you never will."

"Can you promise me you're trying to stop?"

I stared at him, wishing I were able to say I was, but I couldn't stop. I didn't think I ever would. Again it helped far more than anything else ever could. Nothing else gave the same sensation. It was destructive but so addicting. Maybe it was addicting because it was destructive. Either way, there was no way I'd ever be able to stop. "I'm sorry." I finally whispered. He sighed but nodded. "Thank you for being honest." Again I waited for him to talk.

"I hope you know that you can always come talk to me. I want to help you. I want to listen." My turn to nod, not fully believing him. Would I ever talk with him about this, I highly doubt it. People always say they want to listen, but don't follow through. What makes Joey any different from anyone else?

"Thank you." I finally said.

"May I?" He gestured at my arm. I looked at him, confused, but obliged. He took a black sharpie and drew a simple butterfly over my scars. "Whenever you look at it, think of how much u care about you. If you cut you kill the butterfly. And you can't wash it off. Okay?" He capped the pen.

I continued to stare at the black lines forming the pretty insect. It was by no means a skilled drawing. In fact it was rather simple. A line with two "B"s, and two smaller lines as antennas. A third grader could probably do better yet I didn't want to wash it off, and I certainly didn't want to kill it by self harming.

"It's lovely." I stated. I wasn't lying. It was special because someone special had drawn it. I don't think I'd be able to promise u wouldn't kill it but at least I was more resolved. If anything it was at least a reminder that someone cared. Besides Lauren. I think she cares, or she says she does. I just have no idea if I had ruined that relationship with her.

"I know it's not the best drawing but I hope it helps. I stumbled across a picture that explained that a while ago. I don't know why. But now I'm glad I saw it. I know this isn't how you'd have liked for me to find out, but..."