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London, June, 8th 1978
Dear Gammaliel,
As of today, I no longer believe in coincidence. In my perspective, everything that happened to any of us came from a series of entangled wishes that we manifest into the beating heart of universe. Some will benefit from it, they get fortune and limitless luck, some lose, they received woe and misery.
As for me, the universe had given me you, to cross my path, and I yours.
The gravity of our intertwined path shaped me in a way, that there are only two important phases in my life: before you and after you.
Before you, my existence was equally important as a stone in the sea. Non-significant. I always lived like this; sheltered, in a delicate and silver-tongued world, where all I have to do was to raise my glass for a toast, trying to win over my father's acquaintance likeness. But I never engaged myself too deeply in someone else's life, never get my feet wet in stranger's mud. I will forget their first name by the time I stepped out of the ballroom.
You once told me, that you preferred to be a wallflower at a party, and to be frank we were just the same. The only difference between us is that, I don't have the gut to tell my parents that I do not enjoy it. I simply have put up with it because someone has to do it. Someone has to be the face of the Noble House of Black. When Sirius was out of the image, my freedom, however improbable it is, has disappeared.
I will feel drained, restless after every banquet and midsummer concert. Only when I collapsed to my bed, I would feel like I was born again.
Everything I did, was to soothe my parents' wariness of the future, to satisfy them, never for me. I have no voice in that decision. Perhaps, that was why, for the past 17 years, I only considered Evan as my closest friend, he was the person who assured me that I have to find something for myself, and then I found attachment to potions and poisons.
I found what you'd like to call passion. I chase after it obsessively and absent-mindedly. It was and still is my perfect distraction from the burning world. To me, those cauldrons weren't just a way to get an O, or to win over Slughorn but a toy crafted just for me, a miniature of a boiling world that I can control what's in it and whatnot.
It was partly the reason why I am fond of potions because, during these moments, I have the liberty to brew it however I wish. Something that I cannot do to my life. Something that I cannot afford with galleons: freedom.
