THE KING'S MEMOIR

Letter Seven

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A/N: Don't read this one if you haven't read
chapter 11 of Gnossienne. Taylor Swift's 10 minutes All Too Well made me do this.

Sommerset, June 21st, 1978

Dear Regulus,

               My brain made a book of things I should say to you, some were meant to yell at your face. Some, demands answers, but if I were to stand before you right now the first thing I'd say would be:

               I hate you.

              I hate you for so many reasons and yet so little for all my hatred rooted in your clever wickedness.

              I hate that you returned this damned locket to me. I hate that you gave it back unscathed, polished like it's brand new when I was sure I had tore it all up. I hate that it's the first thing I see in my reflection. I hate that every time my heart ached my hand would grasp tight to it as if telling myself that you would return the way this locket was returned to me. I hate that I still wear it, hang it in front of my chest so if you ask me where it is you'll see that it remains parallel to my heart.

            I hate you because I thought that you'd fix my heart like you fixed this locket, but you didn't.

           I hate you for being such a good liar and that you made me fall for it. Perhaps, it was because your lips were too sweet to spit such bitter things and your voice was too suave to echo betrayal.

            So I listened to you, to everything you said, like that one when you told me about how wonderful it was if both of us were seventeen and we could go wherever we wanted to be. But here I am being of age and innerly decayed in the absence of your embrace.

             I should have known how good you are in the world of falsehood because you once asked me whether mastering facades was a talent or a curse, but you forgot that I could do it too.

            And I did it better than you.

            You never noticed me burning did you?  No, you were too occupied to hide the moving shadows that lingered under your sleeve. I had my suspicions and my Dad, who never cared for me, had warned me that you had it too. I never believed the old man until the snake in you bit me and the venom not only did burn but numbed me too.

            I took one look at you, blanched under the bathroom light. You looked so much like the drowning image I had in my dreams and I knew I would fail to keep you away from the death's kiss. No, not when you wielded his scythe on your hands and call it power.

            Your grey eyes asked me if I was fine. I used my facade and told you I did. At that moment, I was made aware of how deep my heart had anchored in your flesh. So deep, that if you cut it I'd never healed. I made an oath that, in time, I'd trade my life with yours if I have to.

            Soon, I searched the threats on my reflection, searching which part of my face frightened you so much that you never dared to tell me about it. Were you too afraid to admit it or perhaps, ashamed? Didn't I tell you about my nightmares and darkest day, what else should I give to you that you'd show me that damned mark you abide to?

           All I have left for you was love. And all I could do was give. So I gave, and I gave, and gave it all almost incessantly, thinking that would make you stay.

           I nicknamed you after love, and you would call me darling, you called me my love, you even carved our name on your favorite tree but not once you dare to acquaint yourself with love. You cowered, every time she came near. And I wondered, was I rushing things? Did I jump too quick or ask too much for wanting you to call what we had as what it was?

            When I finally said that I love you, you treated me like I was holding a knife against your throat. You raised your wand like my Dad did and butchered my heart in cold blood. You were merciless.

            You told me you wanted nothing of me.

            You also told me that I was a Goddess, so congratulations, you could kill the immortals too. I remember asking how did you manage to kill me but kept me breathing? You said nothing, I assumed it was in your nature to destroy me. I become merciless too and I swore to kill you the way you did me. I walked out with my heart in pieces, gathered them on my palms as I asked myself whether I was the only one being in love and everything was never real to you.

              I was in pain.

              But I was too scared to tell a soul, afraid they would pat me on the back and say, "I told you so." and that it was my fault for believing the curls of your dark hair, calloused palms and silver bones were the perfect place to root my flowers, so when you trampled it all up I didn't have the right to cry or being blue.

             Regulus, what kind of power did you possess? What kind of blood do you wield in your veins?

            Because I was once a deathless flame yet you managed to dim me.

            Now, how am I not supposed to hate you?

G.o.M