THE KING'S MEMOIR

Letter Six

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A/N: Basically, this is the letter in chapter 4
of Gnossienne but completed

London, June 21st, 1978

Dear Gammaliel,

It has been 106 days since my brain knows no peace.

It had thrown multiple scenarios of me talking to you, to speak what I wished I could say to you. My tongue is numb from whispering your name to the midnight wind, hoping somehow it would tell you how much I miss you, and that thought alone was the only thing that could ladle me to sleep. When it comes to you, my mind is restless, especially tonight, it marked the moment that you are 183 days younger than me for the 17th time.

You were always annoyed when I used that fact to justify your childish rant. But Gi, did you know? That also means that my soul had lived 183 days in a world without you.

My dear mother had always told me I cried a lot as an infant, and it made sense why I cried so much: a world without you is vain and void as if a dark realm know no spring or wildflower. It's terrifying.

Now, I feel the same way. It is void and silent. It's a torment to be parted from you.

Alas, it's a perfect punishment for me. A goddess like you shouldn't be in love with a king of hell who couldn't love himself. I wished I was as clever as Sherlock to figure it out sooner. If I knew, I could have saved you from myself. I could have saved you from my fury, my wrath, from the destruction I brought upon the image of you.

You promised me once, to the eternal stars that I will be all right, but darling how am I suppose to shine if I was made of the dark. Perhaps, the name Black, to me was more than a surname. When I closed my eyes ghost of guilt breathed to my face. For every arsenic, poisons, and explosive my fingers had crafted. I call it for a greater good, you'll call me a mass murderer.

We both had blood on our hands, perhaps mine's bloodier than yours. But yours should remain ivory unlike mine, and it is my fault.

For that too, I hope the stars hear my request for you, I wish for you to forget me.

           In this war, I know I could lose you at any given time. Despite all, I still want to recognize your laughter in the madness of London streets, I still want to see you dance all night, and laugh so hard that you'd cry. I still want you to fly and be free and live so much more lives, play more music or songs. Even if I won't be the one who would be by your side, or following your footsteps like a shadow and witness you bloom.

          I wish heaven serenades you while I endure the quietness of hell. Because as much as I am selfish when it comes to you, as much as Lord Hades wanted Persephone for himself he would still let her go and let the world witness spring.

         The same way I'd rather let you go than living in a world without you.

Yours, always yours,

R.A.B