Caterpillars from the last Spring

The Spring and the Autumn (Part 2)

I did not know how going solo would be like. It wasn't pleasant. Do I wish I hadn't? No. It scares me to imagine myself with a completely different philosophy than what I have developed through all the experiences I have garnered so far.

So, how was actually being solo? It was stressful. I had no outlet to vent my feelings. Why? because according to the past me, it would make things uncomfortable for others. Which is true, however it is also true that I am entitled to do so. In fact, I think everyone is.

So I bottled up my feelings of frustration and anger and smiled through it. Lies became a second nature to me. Harmless lies piled up and eventually I would end up using this "skill" to evade some very severe punishments. Then the realization came, I had become a bad person.

This realization came with a heavy burden. The burden of hating myself.

I suddenly started correlating all of my actions to some sort of sinister underlying feeling I might have had. Each action, weather good or bad, I beat myself up for it. I became overly conscious about how I looked like on the outside while at the same time curse myself for being corrupt on the inside. No matter what I did, I could never be the "good guy" in my mind.

Then it happened, at the worst possible time... I crushed on someone for the first time in my life. Thus autumn ended and winter began.