feel something » Sebastian Stan «

Part 17

Alena's pov.

All I feel is pure disappointment.

I'm disappointed in Sebastian for acting the way he did but mostly I'm disappointed in myself for thinking he was different.
He made me believe he was.

I let my guard down and let him in when I knew it would bite me in the ass later. This is exactly why I have attachment issues.

Tears are flowing down my cheeks in a rapid pace and it just makes me angrier at myself. The thing is, I've never been the best at handling my emotions.

Ever since I was a little kid I was the outcast of my family. I've never had a very healthy relationship with one of my moms. She constantly made me feel like I was good for nothing and made sure I know just how worthless I am. Although that't didn't stop her from stealing from me when I started to make money from my music. Kind of ironic if you ask me. That's precisely why I packed my bags and left for good and been on my own ever since.

Dealing with depression and anxiety for 10+ years really took a toll on my mental state though, that's why I don't do emotions anymore. Tuning it down and acting like they don't exist is my go to coping mechanism but it's a dangerous way of handling feelings.
All is fun and games until these bottled up emotions hit me full force, all at once.

I feel myself physically shaking as I try to suppress the sobs that desperately want to escape my mouth.
I hate being alone, it's such a suffocating feeling that I can't seem to get rid of. I feel this overwhelming loneliness seeping down to my fucking bones.

Why did I think it was a good idea to get involved with him in the first place? Surely he doesn't need a mess like me in his life. But he made me feel genuinely happy for the first time in years, and that's not a very easy thing to achieve.

I knew it shouldn't but our friendship was starting to become more, from my end anyways. I was and still am so afraid of being vulnerable around him but the bastard weaseled his way into my heart nonetheless. And look where that got me.

He cracks a joke that's supposed to be innocent and it completely messes up my mental state.
Great fucking job of keeping yourself together Alena.

My self destructive train of thoughts are shut down by the doorbell ringing and I immediately freeze by the sound. I reluctantly drag myself over to the front door and after taking a deep breath I open it hesitantly.

Standing on the other side are Lizzie and Scar whose faces drop by the sight of me.

I'm not even surprised, unfortunately I passed a mirror on my way here and came face to face with the state of my appearance. To keep it simple I look like a fucking mess.

"Hi." my voice comes out weaker than I anticipated.

"Hey babes."  Liz sends me a sad smile.

I step aside and let them in, but as soon as the door slams shut I'm engulfed in a hug between my two dear friends.
This action is enough for me to break down crying even harder.

"It's okay hun, let it out." Scar says while rubbing my back comfortingly.

"I hate this. I hate this so so much." I sniffle "Look at me, could I be more pathetic than this? It was a fucking joke but of course i have to overreact everything."

"You're not overreacting Rae, he shouldn't have said that. And you can't control your feelings unfortunately so it's totally normal if you're upset." Liz says.

"I'm so sorry I encouraged you at the party Lena, I never would have thought he'd pull something like this." Scarlett frowns with guilt laced in her voice.

"Stop it Scar it's not your fault. If anyones, it's mine for not being able to resist him." I shake my hand while a sad laugh escapes. 

I wipe my still consistently falling tears away with the sleeve of my hoodie.
I mean Seb's hoodie. I'm a weak bitch, don't judge me.

"It was bound to happen hun, don't beat yourself up. You two had insane chemistry, we've all seen it from the beginning. I think you did too, you just didn't want to admit it." Elizabeth says in a soft voice.

"It doesn't matter now. I don't want to think about it right know, I just gotta pull my shit together." I rub my eyes and try to clear my vision and take a deep breath. "How about we bake some cookies, pop open a bottle of wine and have a good old fashioned girls night?"

A forced smile is on my face as I look back and forth between my two friends, waiting for an answer.

"I brought the wine." Scar says with a smirk.

"And I'll get the glasses!" Lizzie giggles before she saunters off to the kitchen.