feel something » Sebastian Stan «

Part 26

There's something beautiful about clouds.

They are the sky's way of communicating its feelings, painting them with soft pinks, bright blues or vibrant oranges, depending on the time you get lost in them.

I can spend hours gazing in the endless mass of fluffy white clusters, searching for familiarity in their shapes while tuning out everything else surrounding me. The same goes with stars. They always had the power to calm me down.

That's the reason why I'm looking up at the tiny spotlights of the ceiling, imagining them being those ethereal celestial bodies shining by their own light.

But they aren't and I have to face the harsh, cold reality of not being able to fly through infinite galaxies to disappear from this situation.

My mind feels like it's been wandering forever, but only moments have passed since he walked in the room.

His presence is suffocating.

I feel my emotions slowly rising to the surface and I think he feels it too, judging by the amount of remorse and concern in his eyes.

"It's good to see you again prinţesă" he says lowly.

"What are you doing here Seb?"

My question comes out more like a whisper as my shoulders drop defeatedly.

"I know I might be too late but I want to make this right. I have to make this right because it kills me that you're upset with me." he walks further into the room.

"Of course I'm fucking upset with you Sebastian! What the hell did you expect? That I'll fall into your arms when you finally decide that you miss me enough to reach out?" my voice raises with each sentence as I'm growing angrier by the second. "I'm not your little bitch who you can pull out when you're bored, that spot is filled in by someone else as far as I know"

"You're anything but that, doll. Alejandra was nothing but a pathetic attempt to distract myself from having to face my feelings." he sigh and runs a hand through his hair "You have every right to hate me because I was an idiot. A complete and total dumbass for not realizing what I needed was right in front of me the whole time. I was so scared to lose you but in the end I ended up doing just that."

"Please don't say things you don't mean because you pity me, cause to be fair I don't think I can take it anymore Seb." my lip quivers as a wave of fresh tears are clouding my vision again.

As if approaching a deer caught in headlights, he slowly and carefully walks closer to me but when he sees no signs of refusal, strong arms are pulling me in a tight embrace.

I finally let the sob escape my body that I so desperately tried to hold in, along with the tears falling from my eyes. The familiar feeling of safety engulfs me as I breathe in his scent that I missed so badly.

"You have no idea how much I hate myself for putting you through this Lena."

His hand strokes my hair and I feel his chest vibrate against my ear when he speaks.

My inner demons are killing me and I get angrier and angrier once again.

"You have no idea how much I hate you for dropping me like I was worth nothing." I say while I pull away and start pacing around to keep myself from punching something "Or how much I hate myself for not being enough for you." I spit the words at him like they're venom.

I'm full on shaking by this point.

"You were and always will be more than enough. I love you so fucking much it scares me."

The innocence, pain and vulnerability in his voice nearly breaks my heart and mends it all at once again.

"Why couldn't you just tell me instead of pushing me away?" I ask totally defeated.

"I don't know."

I shake my head. The intensity of his gaze makes me want to cower away so I turn around and walk a few steps towards the door.

I'm about to step outside and leave this behind once and for all but I stop myself. Suddenly I feel this burning desire to turn back around and run to his arms but I keep my impulses at bay.

I turn back around to take a last look at him though, and I see his brows furrowing in confusion.

"Why haven't you left if you wanted to go?" he asks.

"I don't know."

He shakes his head and my heart rate speeds up. It feels as if my stomach is doing flips inside of me, for reasons I can't explain. All I know is he's walking towards me and I couldn't stop him if I wanted to.

Not that I want to though.

He finally gets so close to me our bodies are practically touching. My heart beats in my throat by this point.

He reaches down to tuck a loose strand of hair behind my ear and a shiver runs through me by his touch.

"Yes, you do." he breathes out, never breaking eye contact. I fucking knew those eyes were trouble.

He brings his hand to my cheek and it sets sparks on my skin again.

"Yes, I do." I whisper "And I hate that I can't hate you."

"I'm so glad you can't"

And then I'm kissing him.

He crashed our lips together with a passion I have never experienced in my life. My breath caught in my throat as he molded his lips with mine.

He quickly lifts me and I don't hesitate to wrap my legs around him, still not breaking the kiss.

His tongue slides across my bottom lip which makes me let out a tiny gasp, but he seems to like the effect he has on me, because he smiles into the kiss.

I've never felt so at peace and so terrified at the same time in my life.

I don't know if it lasts for ten seconds or five minutes, I lost sense of time and space completely. There is only us and nothing else matters.

We only pull apart to catch our breaths but I struggle hard to open my eyes and collect myself. But when I finally do, I see a newfound shine in his blue ones.

"I'm sorry doll, but I really wanted to do that for a while now"  he chokes out between sharp breaths.

I look deeply into his eyes, trying to find my voice.

"Do it again then"