𝕖𝕪𝕖𝕝𝕚𝕟𝕖𝕣 °°° 𝕙𝕢 𝕗𝕒𝕟𝕗𝕚𝕔

002- roles

TW: mention of death.

silence.

the annoying smell of "brand new car" floods my nose as we drive home. he hasn't said a word since we left the court. we won nationals, and i also received multiple awards for my individual performance. not a glance. not a smile. nothing.

out of habit, i start tapping against my clear phone case. i was careful to use the pads of my fingers rather than my nails to create the least amount of noise—

"stop that."

well, that's the first time he spoke to me since yesterday's practice. i mumble an apology that barely comes out as a whisper, but it was safe to assume that he understood as i stopped tapping my case.

"uh, so... i won." i should have just stayed my ass silent. cringing at how worthless i sounded, i swallow back my lost pride and take a small glance at my father. he didn't seem fazed.

"that's expected from you."

monotone as per usual. i nod, knowing that it was true. the only daughter of the olympic champion? how embarrassing it would have been to loose. we literally moved to japan because my father believed "i was too advanced for the americans."

"yeah, i know. i just thought you would be more proud, that's all." i spoke truthfully. guess who grew a pair today. yup, i did.

he makes a genuinely confused face, the first emotion he has displayed in a while.

"what is there to be proud of? do you know how many mistakes you made?"

yeah, i regret saying a word. "go ahead. look at the notebook." he finishes. he has never let me touch his notebook, so i was hesitant to do so. but a single nod towards the black and white, battered composition notebook that covered the cup holders was enough to tell me that the coast was clear. i picked up the book to see two beer cans in the cup holders, one empty and another presumably half full. my eyes widen as he naturally reaches for the can and takes a swing.

"i- i don't think you should be doing that." i say shakily, all my confidence immediately leaving my body. he dryly chuckles and finishes the can.

"you know, i hate how much you look like your mother."

you've gotta be kidding me. am i supposed to be your therapist? my mother died giving birth to me, so i can't exactly miss someone i've never met. but my father sure makes sure i remember the sacrifice she made.

"that's not exactly my fault, now is it?" i said before thinking. i widen my eyes at my own snarkiness. dad just does that menacing chuckle again.

"there's that tongue of yours!" he says condescendingly as he starts to lean back and press the gas further.

"i really think we should pull over." i suggest, trying my best to stay calm in the position i'm in. he takes a deep breath and rolls his eyes at my comment. my heart is now hammering in my chest as i think of what i could do to get out of this situation. things are moving too fast. we cross multiple red lights, somehow being saved by the skin of our teeth. but who knows how long that will last?

"dad, please slow down! i'm sorry!" pure frustration and fear run down as hot tears on my cheeks. i hate crying, but this was out of my control. i felt nauseous and wanted to pass out due to the roaring wind coming from the open windows becoming nearly unbearable and suffocating.

sirens are soon heard, as a police car noticed the unusual speed of over priced car. dad laughs at the sound and somehow goes even faster. seconds before i accept death, i looked to my right, something i've gotten accustomed to after moving to japan, the driver now being on the right side of the car. as we cross another stop light, a green car comes right at us.

i didn't have the time to scream.

surprisingly to me, our car didn't flip. it only moved harshly to the left. i moved the air bag that was in my face to notice that i wasn't hurt badly, only some scratches due to the broken glass.

it was dad who took most of the hit.

°°°

the funeral was small, as my father wasn't only a headass to me. i was laying on my bed, examining the bandages that covered my wrists and hands. i wore them frequently as constantly spiking balls was more painful than it looked. suddenly, there's a knock at my door. i say that it was open and my cousin walks in.

"hey, lung cancer." i saw with a tired smile. he smiles back and takes a look around my room.

"this place is a lot less pink than i remember." keishin says as he makes his way towards my bed. i chuckle, noticing how i changed the aesthetic of my room from pink and purple to gray and gold over my middle school years.

"i know you've probably got asked this a bunch today already, but how are you feeling?" he asks, his usual playful demeanor muted. i pick up my black volleyball and start setting it in the air, letting it fall to set it again.

"i mean, i don't know if this makes me a bad person, but i don't feel like i'm missing anything i didn't already fail to have. he wasn't really good at filling in the role, so now that he's gone," i stop the ball and look at my blurry reflection in the gold wilson logo of the ball. "it's like there's really nothing to miss, ya know?"

i glance at him to gauge his reaction. he was sitting at the edge of my bed. his elbow resting in his knee and his hand fidgeting with the tie of his suit. he nods understandingly and looks over to a picture of a younger version of the two of us that i framed and set on my desk. him, eighteen at the time, babysitting nine year old me. the two of us holding up peace signs. he walks over to it with a small smile.

"you know, you can either stay with the old man or with me and ma at the store." he declares, tilting the photo in his hands, the edges digging into his palms. the old man was referring to our grandfather. i chuckle at the indirect insult he made towards him.

"if you missed me, you could just say that." i smiled. making a disgusted face, he replies, "ew, i'm doing this for your aunt." he holds his disgusted glare for a while and i mimic him. after a few moments we both burt into laughing fits at each other's childishness. i get up and fix my blazer and dress pants, removing the wrinkles caused from laying down and walked over to hug my cousin. he hugs me back tightly, the smell of cigarette smoke and cologne wafting off of him.

"start to pack your stuff so we can get out of here. i know you probably want to leave this dump." he whispered before separating from the hug. i nod and he pats the sides of my arms and smiles, a silent "see ya" before walking out my room.

°°°

"oi! you ready, kid?" keishin yells from downstairs. I yell a request for a few more minutes and he sends back an okay. i take another glance at my now bare room and my eyes land on my vanity. i walk towards it and pull out a liquid eyeliner set one of my team members gave to me for my birthday. it had almost every color i could think of. being that my dad didn't allow makeup, i never got to try it. 'he's probably watching me from hell.' i think before trying out a winged liner. seeing enough makeup tutorials on my own due to boredom and being better than average at art, it was pretty simple to do. 'not too bad.' i think to myself before packing the eyeliner set with me and walking out my room, oblivious to the fact that i'd become addicted to the act of applying eyeliner.

as i left my room, a single thought came to mind.

i never got to see the notebook.
*

a/n: i promise theres not going to be much dramatic stuff like this later in the book, just let me be a drama queen for a hot min okay? ty bestie😌