Choices. . .

The Next Morning

She awoke sometime before sunrise. She realized she wasn't alone and after a moment the events of the day before came back to her in a flash of comforting images and emotions. He was still asleep, lying on his side, lightly snoring. She was surprised by how fast sleep had crept up on her. He had really worn her out. In more ways than one, she thought. She smiled to herself when she thought of sitting under the blanket on the beach, and later, in the shower and on the chair.

She looked at him in the darkness, and gradually the positive emotions she was just feeling were replaced by doubt, which called over to anxiety (who was just hanging out next door) to come join the party. Before long, she was off to the races. What was she doing? Was she leading him on? If he got hurt would that mean he wouldn't invest in her business? If he got hurt would she even want him to invest in her business? Not to mention what would become of their friendship. Here's a thought, what if I get hurt? What happens then? She quietly got out of bed and went to sit in the chair by the writing desk. She pulled it over to the window and opened the curtain a bit so she could just see outside. The window faced to the east and she could see a soft glow on the horizon already. The doubts about what she was doing here that had sprung up in her head started to gain momentum as those damn bees started to swarm. They mutated into doubts about her business plan, the state of her current work, and finally, herself; right where the buck stops. She knew in the back of her mind that this wasn't gonna be good. She would probably dissociate at some point. But she didn't feel like there was anything she could do to stop it. Sitting there looking out of the gap between the curtains, she could feel herself slip out of the fabric of the world. She could see and hear things but didn't feel a part of them, so she couldn't react to them. It was like trying to have a conversation with someone on the surface of the Earth while you're at 30,000 feet. Even if you knew they were there, they were too far away to really matter.

She wasn't sure how long she sat there, but the first things she noticed were that her hands were cold and that the horizon was now clearly brighter and visible. She looked down and there was a bottled water from the mini fridge in her hands. That's what was making them cold, but how had it gotten there? She felt his hand on her bare shoulder and turned her head. He had pulled the ottoman for the armchair over to sit next to her. He smiled.
"Hey there. I guess it worked," he said. She looked at him, her mind still not fully engaged. "I read that one thing you can do if a person is dissociating is to put something cold in their hands, like an ice cube. I didn't have any ice so I used the next best thing I could find. Take a drink. That might help, too." It still felt like she was far away, but she mechanically put the bottle up to her lips and drank. She sat there for a few moments feeling the cold in her hands and in her mouth and throat, slowly willing herself to come back to her full senses. He sat next to her patiently and the sun peeked over the horizon as they watched. "I don't know if I've ever watched a sunset and the next sunrise with the same person," he said. "Pretty cool, huh?"

When her mind was clear enough to think straight again is when the embarrassment started to balloon up in her. That's when she knew the episode was truly over. She didn't want him, or anyone for that matter, to see her like this. She knew logically that it wasn't anything to be embarrassed about. However, the emotional side of her took little comfort from that. Hot tears begin to sting her eyes, but she was able to keep them from falling.
"How long have you been here?" she asked softly.
"Well, I've been in California since about 1996," he deadpanned.
Despite herself, she smiled at the joke, but only for a fraction of a second and then it was gone. He saw it and was glad, even if it was only a fleeting victory. "I woke up about 30 minutes ago. I said something but you didn't answer me. I thought maybe you were listening to music so I came over but I saw right away that something wasn't. . . right. I sat near you hoping you'd sense me, but after a while I figured I'd give you a little push. So I tried the cold trick. About 10 seconds after I put the water in your hand you looked down at it and I thought that was a good sign."