Feed the Muse: Inner Monologues (Vol. I) [√]

[ please let this be the last one ]

Hey,

I guess it's been a while since I last wrote to you. It's all part of the moving on process, suppressing you down into the recesses of my mind and ignoring the growing feelings you bring. It worked for a while. Until I felt like I was going to win this time. Finally, I thought, this is the part where I was finally going to let you go. And I think I did. I don't feel you in my heart space anymore. I rummage through my thoughts and not a trace of you lingers. It's all good in my head, I suppose. But when my heart starts to rebel, that's where the memories come flooding in and I can't help but get dragged into the deep end again. It's very dark down there. So full of red warnings flagged as hope, so many echoes of empty promises and false expectations. I always try to breathe back air to keep me afloat. It's very hard not to get swayed by the tides when the current is so strong. And I'm only human after all. Weak, a bit desperate, always on the chase for happiness. The ocean is very alluring in its calm but when you dive in, you realize you're at death's door. You feel like that. My love for you feels like that. Most of the time, I try to stay grounded, to remember my progress, the healing, the wounds, everything I can grasp, just so I wouldn't dance back into the cycle. I guess it's hard to remove your existence all at once. The universe tells me to slow down and savor every bit of hurt that comes with your name, because that's the only way to get past it. So here I am with my words again, allowing myself to feel the emotions that have resurfaced because I let you down. It's all very new to me you see, me saying no to you. The word hasn't escaped my mouth in your presence. And I guess you expected that you won't ever hear it. We both got disappointed, didn't we? It's very crucial for me to keep my promises to myself, the same way it is important for you to reel me back in. I'm sorry. I grew out of that habit. Aren't you proud of me? Didn't you tell me to be happy? Well, I think I've found it in the months I pretended you didn't exist. A realization that both stunned and humbled me — my love for you cost me my peace. This is why I can't be in love with you anymore. My heart has been caged for years. I never had the liberty to express what I feel for you, and maybe that's why I felt uncontrolled at times. You can only rein in the beast for so long before it teaches itself to gnaw out the ties that bind it. My love felt like that, like a beast. And it broke me down so many times, trying to leash it, cutting its wings over and over again, until it saw captivity as its home. I never want to feel like that again. As much as I love you, I wanted to love myself more. I spent my adolescence trying to find ways to make you love me back, but now I realize, I should have spent all that time learning to love myself. So I put all the blame on me. I chose to love despite the present circumstance, and I stood by it. Don't take this personally. I'm writing this only to remind myself that there's no other way but forward. No more looking back. I still love you, but I am no longer in love with you. And I'm happy, too. I hope you find it in you to forgive me for the distance, for the blocked messages and calls, for the silence at the end of the line. If there's any person in the world who would understand, it'd be you. You remain my fondest memory but I try not to remember you in that light. I relive the memories, soothing out the crumpled parts, trying to replace it with the friendship we lost when I told you I loved you the first time. I hope you try to do that. Although our recoveries won't be the same in nature, I still would like time to heal you of me, too.