✓ 50 shades of you || Charles Leclerc ✓

Chapter 14 ☥

When I woke up, I felt sore and tired. It took a while before I could identify where I was and what happened. I closed my eyes again, because the lights were too light. Than I remembered. Everything came back.
The day me and Charles met, the fights with my parents, my friends, little Max, the birds, the endless sunsets and the love I received.

"I'm dead aren't I..."

I heard someone choke next to me.
"Are you awake Lou...?" It was Charles. I nodded softly without opening my eyes. I could hear him sigh and he hugged me. It hurt, but I couldn't care less. I need him to right now. Charles started shaking.
"I-I'm sorry Lou..." I finally opened my eyes and saw a crying man laying over me. I panicked and looked around. No baby crying. No doctors, which is okay I guess.
Hold up.
No baby crying..! I took Charles his hand and stared at his watery eyes. I felt my eyes were doing the same. I tried to hold the tears back and be strong, but it was too hard.
"Please... please, don't say it..." Charles stood up, trying to be the strong man.
"Our little man died, butter... nothing we could've done."
I nodded, trying to accept the fact that he wasn't here anymore. Which felt impossible.
Than I told Charles that we can be strong and get through this. Charles kissed my nose and cuddled with me for several minutes.
"I'm going back to get you some clothes, since you stay here for a few days." I looked up confused. Stay here? He saw me thinking and scratched behind his ear.

"Oh ehh more bad news... they found a new tumor. Around the back of your hip, in your spine. But they can operate... that's why you stay."
I took a minute to process all of this.
My cancer is back..? I laid there in silence. I knew Charles was saying goodbye, and I know he would came back. But I also knew that he wouldn't make it. I just felt it. So I stood up and walked around the hospital like a moron. I still hate hospitals, everywhere I look I see ill or almost dead people.
Weirdly enough, I like the smell of them. The hospitals, not the almost dead people.
At the end of the hallway was a small window. It was similar to the window in my room since they both had a view on the parking lot. I put my ear against the glass, trying to hear some birds. However, the glass was too thick. And the only thing I could enjoy were the people downstairs. That's why I walked back to my room and called my friends. One by one. Well, at least I tried.
Unfortunately everyone was busy so I had to leave voicemails, since I did want to talk to them.

"Hi there Mick, please let Gigi listen to this too! I just wanted to say that I will love you guys forever and I'm so grateful for the time we had. I know you'd probably already heard about our little one... it's okay, really. He will be missed.
I miss you too. Long time no see, haha... take care of each other and call me back when you can, I'd love to hear your voice again."

And also similar ones for Cedar, Pierre, Alassie and of course Selin. I miss their voices.

While staring at the window, I decided to write. Just write, just my feelings on paper.
And while writing, I started to feel bad.
I don't know if it was because I'm sad that they didn't pick up, or sad because of the baby or sad because of me but I felt horribly ill and dizzy.
I could feel my own heart pumping everywhere. The window got blurry. Than two birds sat down on my window and I knew it was a sign so I called Charles.

"Charles, just listen please." I could hear that he was about to speak. He stumbled with his words and stopped talking.

"I don't feel good, and I know that it is normal but just to be sure." I could hear his car accelerate.

"You can do this, pull through. And I know this because I know you are a strong person. You will be happy again, you will be more yourself than ever, you will understand your heart better and find a new beautiful woman, you will be okay.."
I sighed. Than I heard Charles hit his steering wheel and I prayed to god that he keeps driving safe.
"Stop it Lou, I'm almost there. Just one street left."

I felt worse and worse. I thought about the things I did in my life, and regretted the one's I didn't.

"James..." I started again.
Charles asked me what I meant so I repeated it.
"James Oliver Charlie Leclerc. That's the name I wanted to give him." I heard Charles sighed again but this time it sounded cracked. I knew he was crying.
"James Oliver Charlie Leclerc is the most perfect name I've ever heard my darling." I smiled, and even though I couldn't see him. I knew Charles smiled too.

"I still wanna see the world." Charles said. I bit my lip, his voice broke my heart. "Than Go!"
He chuckled ruefully.
"I think I'm lost without you..."
the smallest tear ran down my chin. I said that, I knew he'll be alright and that he will find light again.
Than he stopped.
"I'm here Lou!! Please don't die on my now!!"
I took a deep breath and stood up.
"Look at my window Charles." His breath stopped and I could see him look up and wave. "Give me two seconds to come up!" I shook my head. Which was heavy. All the body parts that could possibly hurt, did.
"No stop, look at the window." Charles stopped and looked up again.

"You'll stay with me, even when I'm gone..?" He shook his head and covered it with his hand.
"No..no... noo."
Charles focus now please. My legs are shaking and I can't stand forever.
"You'll stay with me, even when I'm gone..?" I asked again. A silence was broken by a deep breath.

"Yes, yes of course.
Until the very end my buttercup!"

I sat down on the bed and heard Charles say that I had to stay awake. I wrote my last sentence.
People were running in the hallway.
But it is over, too late.
And you'll be okay.