Tired of Being Tired | Tommyinnit Angst

Chapter One

tw: self harm, eating disorder

the day started out the same way it always did for tommyinnit. he skipped breakfast and laid in bed on his phone for a few hours before he had to stream. with unpredictable sleep patterns and no daily routine, his days all started to blur together.

at about 1:00 pm tommy decided it was time to stream. he joined a discord call with wilbur and phil before starting up his stream and doing his usual intro.

tommy joined the smp with fake enthusiasm. they weren't doing lore today, which tommy was thankful for, he didn't have the energy to act out the dramatic scenes.

***

after about two hours of hanging out on the dream smp he decided it was time to end his stream. he was about to leave the call with wilbur and phil as well before wil stopped him explaining that dream wanted to speak with everyone at 4:00 pm. tommy agreed and left the call. this gave him an hour before he had to socialize again.

tommy loved his friends, he really did, but socializing left him completely exhausted and he couldn't pretend to be someone he wasn't for more than a few hours at a time. whenever they asked to stay on call after stream tommy would explain that his parents didn't want him on his phone for too long and wanted to spend time with him.

this wasn't a complete lie. tommy's parents did want to spend time with him, but he didn't want to spend time with them. he knew his parents were growing worried about his isolation and his lack of eating, but tommy would simply tell them that he was too busy with videos or his friends.

tommy set a timer on his phone for an hour before going to lie in his bed and wallow in self hatred.

he felt bad for lying to his friends and family, but he knew they wouldn't understand if he told them that he isolated himself because talking was too tiring.

even tommy didn't understand it. he was lonely and he wanted talk, but talking took up too much of the energy that he didn't have. so instead he interacted with others sparingly and saved his energy for his streams.

***

after his hour was up he went to sit at his desk. he practiced his fake smile in the reflection on the black screen before turning his computer on and joining the call.

"hey bitches!" tommy screamed into the mic, making his presence known.

the others greeted him and chatted amongst themselves while they waited for dream to join.

"hey everyone! i have some news" dream exclaimed as he joined the vc.

they greeted dream and went silent waiting for the news. when dream didn't speak up, techno did.

"so what's this big surprise you've been talking about?" techno asked.

"i'm glad you asked, techno. there's a minecraft convention next weekend in los angeles, california, and we're all going!" dream answered.

the call was filled with joyful chatter and a few questions about the meet up.

dream explained the details of the meet up to the group. apparently he had already booked them a hotel and asked permission from the parents of the minors. after everyone was aware of the plan, the call was ended.

to say the least, tommy was excited about the meet up. he was surprised his parents had managed to keep this secret from him. his parents were never very good at surprises.

wait.

his parents were able to keep this a secret.

had they got better at hiding things?

were there other things they were keeping from him?

tommy started to get angry with his parents, but that anger was quickly directed inwards.

why didn't he trust his own parents?

why was he so nosy?

his parents weren't inclined to tell him everything. they were allowed to have secrets.

how could he think he was entitled to know everything they knew? especially when he barely even talked to them.

tommy decided to distract himself from these thoughts by thinking about the adventures he was soon to have with his online friends.

he started thinking about how much time he would have with them and then quickly realized his mistake.

how could he have been so stupid as to agree to a meet up?

he would have to be with them 24/7. he couldn't play pretend for that long.

what would happen when they realized he wasn't eating?

would they hate him when they realized that he purposefully chose to isolate himself from them?

it was hot in california, what if they questioned his long sleeves?

tommy had enough with his brain. he was so angry with himself that he decided he needed to punish himself.

he walked to the bathroom grabbing a razor from the medicine cabinet. he placed the razor on his wrist before pulling it away deciding that if there were only faded scars on his arm and his friends saw them he could play them off as old scars. instead he decided it would be best if he cut on his stomach.

the pain felt nice and he wished it could last forever. the rage red blood represented his anger flowing out of his body, and finally he was at peace. unfortunately, this peace only lasted about five minutes before his parents called him down for dinner.

he washed and bandages his stomach before heading downstairs for dinner. once tommy reached the dining table he quickly explained that he was completely immersed in editing his newest video and so he absolutely had to take his dinner upstairs with him. his mother gave him a worried look but didn't protest.

after reaching his room, tommy flushed down most of the food leaving enough scraps to look as though it had been eaten.

although he had done this many times before, he still felt guilty about flushing the home made meal down the toilet.

how could he be so wasteful?

his mum spent time making that meal for him and he just threw it all away?

there were people starving who would kill for that meal, and he had just wasted it?

how could he be so selfish?

tommy clenched his jaw and dug his nails into his palms, desperately trying not to cry. but his attempts were in vain as he felt the salty liquid run down his cheeks.

tommy finally had enough and decided that he would attempt to sleep tonight. it was hard for him to slow down his thoughts and fall asleep, but he sure as hell was going to try.

he was so tired of dealing with these negative thoughts, and maybe if he was lucky this mental exhaustion would translate into physical exhaustion and he would be able to sleep.

A/N

so the first chapter is finally done. i have some ideas for this book but i'm not entirely sure what to do for the beginning. as long as my lack of motivation doesn't get in the way, i'll probably update this story frequently since i really don't have any other hobbies. anyways i'm not sure if anyone's going to read this but if you do i hope you enjoyed the first part of the story :)

thanks for reading and don't forget to take care of yourself. if you drank water and ate today, i'm proud of you and here's your gold star:⭐️
if not, i hope you're okay and i'm proud of you for making it through the day. please take this bear of encouragement:🧸

5/13/21

1277 words