Tired of Being Tired | Tommyinnit Angst

Chapter Three

tw: mentions of eating disorders, mentions of self harm

finally it was thursday. this meant it was the last day before tommy would fly to california. this also meant that he had to pack.

he had slept for four hours last night, which he considered pretty good. he decided to start packing while he still had the energy to do so.

tommy started to throw some clothes inside his suitcase without bothering to fold them. (if you understood this song reference, i love you) they would be staying in california for a week, even though the convention was only saturday and sunday, and tommy did not want to be unprepared.

next he went to the bathroom to grab his toothbrush. he was surprised he remembered to pack it considering most nights he didn't have enough energy to get out of bed and brush his teeth. he also figured it was unnecessary since he didn't eat much so he couldn't possibly get much build up.

of course he didn't forget to slip his razor into the bag before leaving the bathroom.

tommy checked over his bag and made sure he had everything he needed. once he was positive he wasn't missing anything, he zipped up his suitcase and checked the time. it was only 10:00 am.

it was times like these when tommy regretted dropping out of school. his parents had been hesitant at first, but they let him when they realized how passionate he was about his youtube and twitch career. he knew that he didn't have enough motivation to continue with school and he knew that it was just adding more stress to his life, but he wished he had something to fill his time.

he thought about streaming, but that would only entertain him for an hour or two and he didn't have anyone to stream with.

his friends had decided the previous day that most of them would be very busy with the preparations for the trip and so they wouldn't be doing any streams together.

tommy didn't like streaming alone. he felt boring when he didn't have anyone to bounce off of and chat would always make assumptions that he had gotten into an argument with the others or that they had needed a break from his obnoxious persona.

he didn't like to admit that the messages got to him, but they did. tommy was constantly worried that his friends were upset with him or tired of him and having other people validate his fears really didn't help.

during those times, tommy wanted to call his friends and have them tell him they weren't upset, but tommy was scared they would think something was wrong and he didn't want to bother them. instead tommy would try to figure things out in his own head, but this never ended well. usually it only resulted in more self hatred.

***

later that night, tommy had started to get worried. what if his friends found out about his eating habits? or realized that he had been lying to them?

as these thoughts started to become more overwhelming, tommy decided that he would make a plan. a plan that would prevent his friends from unraveling his web of lies.

he started by making a plan for the airport. he was meeting with tubbo and wilbur at the airport, so if he could have his parents drop him off half an hour early this would avoid them being able to have a conversation with wilbur.

then tommy could tell wilbur that he had already ate before he arrived at the airport and therefore he wasn't hungry. wilbur would have no way to verify this without his parents and would have no reason not to trust him.

but would excuse could he make for his isolation?

friday he could say he was tired from jet lag and time zone changes. saturday and sunday he could claim the convention had tired him out. but what would he say for the rest of the week? he could say that his bed was uncomfortable and so he was tired from the lack of sleep, but that wouldn't excuse his absence for 20 hours of the day.

maybe he should just tell them the truth. tell them that socializing exhausted him and he needed a break.

but would they take that offensively?

what if they thought he was weak?

what if they thought he was insulting them?

what if they didn't want to be his friend anymore?

no. that didn't make sense. why wouldn't they want to be his friend just because he was easily exhausted?

tommy thought for a moment. he couldn't come up with and rational reason as to why they would abandon him for something so small. maybe they wouldn't even notice his absence.

wait. what if they didn't notice?

maybe they would be glad that tommy wasn't around.

maybe they didn't want to be his friend in the first place.

how could he be so narcissistic? so egotistical?

how could he think that everyone wants to be around him all the time?

this was becoming too much for tommy. his thoughts were overbearing and he wished that he could turn off his brain so he could have at least a few minutes of peace. but since he didn't have any magical ability to stop his thoughts, he instead settled for a distraction.

he thought about cutting himself but his blade was already packed and he didn't really feel like getting out of bed. sometimes his laziness really did help him, although this was more of a lack of energy than just laziness.

it was weird to think about. it was like two villains in his head who are supposed to be on the same side but instead end up fighting each other. his self destructive habits vs his undesirable character traits. clearly the undesirable traits were winning this round.

tommy decided that he would use music as his distraction. this was mostly because his headphones happened to be right next to him.

right as he was about to turn on one of his favorite playlists, he received a call from wilbur. tommy thought about not answering and explaining the next day that he had already fallen asleep, but he realized that wilbur probably wouldn't buy in to his tired, jet lagged act if he thought that tommy was well rested. so tommy answered the call hoping it wouldn't last long.

"hey toms! all ready for the flight tomorrow? did you remember to pack everything?" the older boy asked.

"yeah, i'm all ready wil" tommy replied with less energy than usual when talking to his friends.

"that's great! but are you okay tommy? we haven't heard from you at all today and you seem a bit out of it?" wil said with a sincere tone.

"oh yeah, i'm alright! you don't usually call this late so i'm just a bit tired. i thought we weren't streaming today since we were all preparing?" tommy tried to sound as normal as possible.

in reality, tommy was panicking.

were his friends beginning to get suspicious of him?

and had his friends lied about streaming to avoid him?

were they upset with him and trying to distance themselves from him?

before tommy's thoughts could worsen, he was quickly broken out of his trance by wilbur's reply.

"oh, that's alright! we weren't streaming, but we were talking in the discord" wilbur replied calmly as he had noticed the bit of worry in the other boy's question.

"sorry about that. i wasn't really on my computer, too busy preparing and shit. anyways i've gotta get some sleep so i'll talk to you tomorrow. bye wil!" tommy's responded, audibly relieved that he hadn't been left out.

"goodnight tommy!" wilbur hung up.

***

A/N

hey! i started writing this earlier but i got distracted and decided to rearrange my room and then i kinda forgot i had started writing so it might be a little rushed. anyways the next parts will be a bit more exciting since i actually have plans for them and it starts getting to the actual plot. also i'm kind of shit at writing dialogue since i don't really know how to talk to people so i've been avoiding it but there will definitely be more dialogue in the next chapters. anyways thanks for reading and remember to drink water.

5/15/21

1408 words