Fate Carries You Away; Drifting Further and Further

Chapter 24: Never Been The Type To

Eiji Okumura

24 Aug. 2018

Ash is doing worse and worse with each day that passes; I know that much.

I also know it hurts him more than he's showing me. He may not admit it, but I know that not being able to move his legs at all, and not being able to dress or wash himself, it's the worst for him.

This morning is like any other. I just woke him up half an hour ago and he's had his breakfast. Which means it's time for him to get dressed; even though it's hard, getting dressed each morning will be better for him. Otherwise he'll only get more exhausted.

"It's Friday already," I tell Ash as I walk out of the bathroom with some of his clean clothes.

"Really?" he mutters. "Oh."

It hurts me to hear the uncertainty underneath that layer of carelessness; he doesn't want to show it, but he actually forgets what day it is from time to time. That's also why I want him to keep to a schedule, that way he'll at least keep track of day and night.

"Would you like to take a bath?" I ask, because he used to shower at least once a week before; his hair is very greasy and if he doesn't take a bath today, he might never want to take one again. "I can just help you get in the bath and you probably can do the rest yourself."

Ash's eyes meet mine and I can see that he's hesitating for a moment before he says, "Okay then."

My heart makes a little jump; I'm so happy that he's open to the opportunity.

"Okay then!" I repeat, more cheerful, before walking over to the walk-in part of his room where we keep a portable wheelchair for him. "Let's do that!"

As I help him from his bed into the wheelchair, for as much as he lets me, I have a smile plastered on my face. I'm not actually that extremely happy, but I just want to make this a fun experience for him. He's already going through such hard things in his life, if something as simple as taking a bath can at least stay fun, that would be great.

"Thanks," Ash mumbles, once he's seated in his wheelchair.

I smile at him and nod. "No problem!" I reply before wheeling to the bathroom.

I turn on the tap so the bath can fill up with lukewarm water while I help Ash undress. This is something we both became somewhat accustomed to; he takes off his own shirt and stuff like that, everything he can do himself, and I finish off by helping him with the things he can't do himself.

After that we have to see how we're going to manage his catheter while showering.

He had to get one not soon after his legs stopped working, because his bladder control just disappeared all at once as well; he's never bathed since he got that catheter.

"So, let me cover that up," I mutter as I start to protect it with a special plastic leg sleeve. It's not hard to cover it all up, but I can see in Ash's eyes that he's not amused by the fact that it has to happen. Just like he isn't happy about the fact that I need to be in the bathroom with him to help.

"Are you done?" he asks once I've put special tape over the ends of the leg sleeve.

I step back and nod. "Are you ready for your bath?"

He nods as well before telling me that he can get in himself; I doubt it, but I want to let him try. The more he tries to do things himself, the longer his body will take until it stops working completely.

He pulls himself upright, using the iron bars on the wall next to the bath.

He's standing on his legs shakily, but he's standing; I have to keep myself from clapping in my hands.

I'm glad I don't cheer too quickly, because before he can even take a step, his legs break down under the pressure. He collapses, almost hitting his head against the side of the bathtub.

I immediately kneel down beside him and lay my hands on his shoulders. "Are you okay?"

Ash glances at me with pain in his eyes. He winces twice before he replies, "I'm fine."

I let out a relieved sigh; even though this means his legs have really given up on him completely, I'm just glad that he didn't get hurt.

"Maybe I should—" I wrap my arms underneath Ash's armpits and around his chest. "—help you."

With my help, he's able to drag himself onto the side of the bath. Once he's seated, it barely takes any effort to slowly let him slide into the bathtub; this way he can't even get hurt.

Once Ash's seated on the bottom of the bath, he forces a smile as he thanks me for helping him in.

I know deep down he's actually glad that I was here to help him, but he's just really getting used to the idea of needing help with daily activities like bathing, changing clothes and such.

And I can't say I'm completely used to it either.

"I'll just leave you alone then," I tell him. "Try not to do anything stupid like getting out of the bath yourself, please." I give him a warning glance. "Just shout when you're ready."

Ash nods before letting himself sink into the water a little deeper.

That looks so comfy. I smile to myself before turning away; he deserves the privacy.

A little later, just when I'm about to walk into the bathroom to see how Ash is doing. Ash's voice calls out my name from inside of the echo-y bathroom.

When I peek around the corner of the door, his eyes are directed at me. "Is something wrong?" I ask.

Ash nods and tells me he's not able to reach the soap and he would like to wash his hair now.

That's when I see the shampoo on the other side of the room; far out of reach. I grab it from the counter and, because I'm holding it anyway, squeeze some of the blue-ish soap into his hand.

"Thanks," he says, before trying to put the soap in his hair.

I notice how tough it is for him to lift his hands to his head. It pains me to see him struggling just to get the soap in his hands into his hair; he used to do that by himself, and now he can't.

He winces as he forces his shaking hands closer to his hair. They're trembling so much that he's spilling soap all over himself and into the bath's water.

When it becomes too painful to watch, I put some soap on my own hands and kneel down beside him. I only do it to be helpful, to put an end to the useless attempts, but as soon as the palm of my hand touches Ash's hair I feel something smacking against my cheek.

Something hit me in the face and it stings right away.

It takes me a moment to realize what just happened. But when I look into Ash's eyes and see how furious they are, I know it was Ash's hand that collided with my cheek just now.

I blink twice, trying to process what Ash did and why.

Ash—I feel tears welling up in my eyes. – just hit me.

I stammer something even I can't understand before getting on my feet.

I don't think about Ash's feelings for once, when I turn my back to him and run away as fast as I can.

I run out of the bathroom, away from his room and as far as the hallway goes; I need to get away from him. Tears run down my cheeks and my skin is throbbing with pain.

Why? I ask myself as I collapse at the end of the hallway. Why would he suddenly hit me like that?

I whimper and sob and bury my face into my arms as I feel myself shrink away.

I just wanted to help him—I bite the inside of my cheek and frown in pain. – I thought it was okay.

"Why, Ash!" I shout into my sleeves, feeling the tears stream down my face.

Ithurts so much.