True Art

Chapter Twenty

REMINGTON'S POV

William had left, and I watched him walk down the driveway, shoving his hand down the back of his date's skinny jeans as Nolan and Lewis followed close behind. I could only imagine how annoyed Nolan was right now.

"Are you heading off?" I asked Jamie as he pulled on his jacket.

"Yes. Declan has a flight tomorrow, and I'm busy prepping for September and the back-to-school mania. You wouldn't believe how much work goes into teaching six year olds."

Declan arrived from the kitchen, carrying a large plate covered with tinfoil. "I've stolen goodies. Ready?"

Jamie nodded. "Right then, we're off. Happy birthday, Sean."

"Thank you. And thanks for coming." Sean waved them off and turned to me. "Stay for a coffee?"

Quinn and his friend had disappeared down to the village pub, leaving me alone with Sean. The Manor's kitchen was a huge room with a beautiful, ornate ceiling and jade green paint. A perfect example of a period property.

"Everything okay? You've been quiet all night."

"I'm always quiet," I countered.

"Okay, then you've been quieter than normal. Don't be so pedantic." He closed the fridge door and switched on the kettle. "Tea or coffee?"

"Got anything stronger?" I wandered over to the long wooden table and sat down.

"Remington?"

"Sean."

"Talk to me. Why don't you call Matthew? See how he is. Did you two have a fight or something?"

I wanted to run. I wanted to avoid telling him how messed up my head was, but I also wanted to tell him in the hope that it would relieve the ache inside me.

"That's done. I told you before, we're better off leaving things. It wouldn't work."

"How do you mean? Things were going fine until he got injured yesterday and now suddenly you're over him?"

"It's your birthday. Let's talk about something else. Where are you going to hang your painting?"

"Nope, we're not doing that. You're not going to ignore this. Tell me what's going on."

"Nothing! Christ, I don't know the man. It was a crazy lapse of judgement. He's too young and we're too different. It won't work. That's it."

Sean stared at me, and I knew he saw through every lying word that left my mouth.

Shit.

He placed a large glass of brandy in front of me and sat down. "I have nothing to do but wait. So, whenever you're ready, Remington."

"I don't know where to begin."

"Try the beginning." He was looking at me, eyes filled with concern.

"I don't know what's changed. I just can't... Seeing him yesterday in the hospital was hard. And I just know it won't work."

"But how do you know? I'm trying to understand your reasoning, but I'm struggling."

I sat there, silent, as I searched my brain. I tried to pull up the words, the reasons, but there was... nothing. Just black emptiness like the hollowness inside of me. Why couldn't I think of a reason?

"I don't know how I know. I just know it's probably best to not start anything with him."

"Why?"

"I don't know why, Sean. Are my feelings not enough? Why do I have to justify this?"

"You don't have to justify anything. I just can't get my head around how you go from panicking yesterday because Matthew's missing, to then completely pulling away from him. You left him alone in the hospital, for Christ's sake."

"He doesn't need me there. He's fine without me, it's me that..." I trailed off and looked away, praying I wouldn't cry in front of Sean.

"Were you just using him? Was that all it was to you?"

"What? How could you think that?" I roared, emotions overcoming me.

"Remi--"

"Do you think I'd bring some random hookup home with me? Allow him into my life, introduce him to my family and friends? Are you fucking crazy? Of course I wasn't using him. I love him. Christ, Matthew is everything. He's the light, the reason I can breathe. And now he's gone. I fucked it all up... I had to end it, Sean. I had no choice. I couldn't do it again. Seeing him there in the hospital, like Geoffrey..." My voice broke, and I choked out a sob.

"Oh, Remington..."

"I couldn't go through it again. What if something happened to him? If he left me like Geoffrey, I wouldn't cope. It would break me. I couldn't..." I stood up, pushing the chair back, and shaking. "Everyone that I love leaves me. They all leave. My parents, Geoffrey. I can't lose Matthew too."

Sean stood up and dragged me into a hug.

"I can't lose another person," I sobbed, tears and pain flowing from me again.

There, I'd said it. The truth. And the funny thing was, I was hearing the reason for the first time myself, unaware that I'd been thinking it all this time.

I stood there in the old kitchen, crying on Sean's shoulder, ashamed and broken.

"Oh, Remi, you fool. You can't let fear win."

It was so simple when he said it, but I knew he understood my pain.

"I'm terrified," I whispered.

"Everybody is. Life is scary. But you can't live in fear of what might happen but never does. You'll miss out on all the wonderful things. What do you want, Remi? What does a good life mean to you?"

I didn't need to think about it, the answer tripping off my tongue and into the air. "I just really want to fall in love and be loved by someone."

"Do you love Matthew?"

"Yes. I think so." I knew I did. I was in love with him. Deeply, madly. A soul-consuming love.

"Then make him stay. He wants to, and you want that too."