𝑶𝑯 𝑯𝑶𝑵𝑬𝒀. short stories

"how have you been lately?"

"Have you ever had a family member die when you were to young to remember?" I asked, and she shook her head no.

"It's strange really," I furrowed my eyebrows "they knew you, but you never knew them."

My paternal grandfather died from a heart attack when I was a couple months old. I'm the oldest grandkid on my dads side of my family, everyone always says I was lucky I got to meet him. I know I was, especially because we lived in different continents.

"It makes me angry sometimes. It's like I miss someone I don't even know." I avoided making eye contact, I wanted to share this with her but opening up with people had always made me uncomfortable.

My maternal grandfather and oldest cousin had a similar story, except she never got to meet him. She was going to, but he died a couple months before she and her parents were supposed to make the trip.

"Sometimes I think about how my parents feel. Of course, I could never truly know because my dad is still alive."

She stayed quiet and listened to every word I said, she knew this was a strange subject for me. I knew she probably did not expect to hear my life story when all she asked me was "how have you been lately?" but it felt good to let it out.

"I also think a lot about the fact that I never truly got to experience having a grandfather. All of my cousins had that with their other grandfather." I started feeling sick, I had never talked about this with someone before.

My body wanted me to stop, but my brain was glad I was finally letting this go. She could see I was getting uncomfortable and decided to start talking with me.

"I lost my grandfather a few years back." she told me.

"It's not the same though. You knew him well, and you must have been devastated." I felt guilty talking about my grandfathers deaths, I always did.

It always goes back to the fact that I did not actually know them. It hurts knowing I never will, but I know it would hurt so much more if I did.

I sighed, my throat was beginning to hurt from all the talking. She understood that, and looked up at the sky with me. The moonlight shone down on us, and crickets chirped. It was peaceful, and it calmed the nerves I had been building up.

I took deep breathes, and let the warmth of the summer air wash over me. I went over the conversation I just had in my head, as I usually do thanks to my father who passed on what he says is anxiety to me but still refuses to get diagnosed. 

Even though I only met him once, I knew he loved me. The way one loves their first borns first born, and I never got to say it but I love him too.