Jealousy looks good on you- John Murphy x reader

Chapter VI.

Shutting off your emotions has worked for you so far. You've felt indifferent towards thoughts of Murphy and you have been doing well at work all day. Your alarm didn't go off this morning, making you late. When you finally got up and went to the control room to start working, you apologized many times but thankfully Emori is very lenient when it comes to things like that. Bellamy was a little ticked off but Raven just made fun of how flustered you were. You are glad that they were forgiving about your tardiness. You've been late a little more than fifteen times already this year. It's not your fault you got the faulty alarm clock.

After the short time that you were actually working, you spent most of your day reading and talking to Raven. She made sure not to bring up Murphy, which you were grateful for. It helped you keep your emotions in check. You know that shutting off your emotions seems a bit extreme for something as simple as being played, yet you can't find it in yourself to suffer when a solution is right there, even if the "solution" sends your world cascading into black-and-white. It isn't the nostalgic type of black-and-white you see in old-timey movies, nor the depressing type where everything feels meaningless and dull. This black-and-white is plain, bland, neutral. It is emotionless after all.

Sitting next to your friends during meals seems dull. It used to be full of color and bright laughter and understanding. But today is different; your emotions don't have any presence. Monty's algae is just as horrid as ever though, you hoped it would be as tasteless as everything else. The conversation you are having is utterly boring now that your emotions aren't there to guide you. You try your best to act the same, but generally, you have an emotion-driven personality so it is difficult.

"And then, I absolutely obliterated him and he still hasn't let go of the grudge to this day," Bellamy finally finishes his pointless story. Everyone around you laughs, so you throw on a smile and laugh along with them, even though it is fake as hell.

You are so utterly unfocused on the conversation that you are the only one who notices Murphy when he walks into the cafeteria at first. You feel his stare burning holes into your back, but you don't look at him. You can't. Everyone breaks into smaller side conversations as Murphy gets his food. You have to look now. The urge and the curiosity is too strong. You turn your head to him and he is looking straight ahead. Then he turns his head and you think he is going to catch your gaze, but his head turns right past you and as it does, he doesn't even look in your direction at all. Instead, his gaze lands on Emori, who breaks off her conversation for a moment to smile at him and wave. He smiles back and then he does the most unexpected thing.

He walks over to the table and takes a seat right next to Emori. Everyone goes silent as the situation at hand sinks in. Murphy hasn't sat down to a single meal with the group since he broke up with Emori a year ago. Everybody looks at him in disbelief, as your mind pauses to process exactly what the fuck is going on. Why today? What is going on? Why does he do this to me? At this, your entire emotionless facade shatters as you sink into the hole of despair that you dug for yourself. You let out a sharp breath as you sit frozen, staring at the table. Your muscles tense up and you hold onto the bench for stability as your feelings come crashing back down onto you. They were only gone for a day tops, yet it feels like everything has been gone for an entire lifetime. You keep your eyes wide open and your breaths short as you feel yourself fighting back tears. You can't cry now, not in front of everyone, not in front of him.

As conversation carries on, you feel as if you should be able to relax. But you can't. Every time that you try to take a breath to calm yourself, it catches in your throat and you have to block it before it can bring the wave of tears rolling over you. You are constantly on the brink of tears and it is excruciating. Finally, the conversation dies down and you feel somebody tap your right shoulder. It is Raven of course, but you are too stunned to respond. Raven then grabs your arm and hurriedly pulls you away from the table, with you still staring at the ground. You mindlessly follow her out of the room and down the hall. Suddenly, she stops. You bump into her and are forced to look at her. She looks at you, concern written all over her face.