waves and ripples

hospital

* four months later*

" just shut up!" I take my bowl and toss it in the sink. I was losing my mind in this place.

" you can't just disrespect me in this house!" he yells. what does he know.

" it's not your house and your not my father!" I scream at him slamming the door.

- emily's pov

my bare feet hit the floor, it was the cold marble tiles then the wood floor, more yelling. what was wrong this time.

I cover my rob and walk into the kitchen to hear Jessie's door slam and mike in the kitchen, " what's wrong?" i jangle Jessie's door but it's locked.

it's been like this for weeks, just continuous arguing between them and letting them solve it hasn't been helpful.

" your daughter can't take simple discipline." he vigorously washes the pans like they had a vendetta against him.

" what happened?"

" disrespect, snarky remarks. every time i try to correct her it's like she doesn't care for respect."
he comes closer to my ear. " emily when i started dating you I didn't sign up for this." he walks into his man cave and shuts the door.

life isn't gonna get any easier and i just have to try to fix it to my best ability. i walk towards Jessie's room and knock the door.

she slowly pulls it open and goes back to the bed. she curls up her towards her chest in her cradle position. I close the door behind me and sit next to her.

" what happened?"

" he was acting l-like" I knew she didn't want to say it. She was holding the word back.

" a father. your father?" she nods. " and why is that a problem?"

" because I don't have a dad and i never will."

" what do you mean?"

" look mom I'm sorry, for the way I treated mike but I can't let him believe he's gonna try to play that role in my life." I just look at her, she was staring straight ahead at the wall.

" I get it." I stroke her hair but she jerks back.

" no mom, you don't- you grew up with a nice rich white family. a mom and a dad. privileged and happy."

" woah, what are you saying? is their something I'm not giving you?" she turns towards me with that look that she wished she could take back the words she said.

did she feel as if though, she wasn't getting what she deserved. " no , mom- im saying that I don't want something i never had." her breathing was shallow.

- jessie's pov

i knew about my birth mom, everything i needed to know was that she emigrated to america from sudan and gave me for adoption. i have a real mom though, who gave me the 'life' that my mother couldn't provide.

But, I don't know my dad. I don't care but I've had too many people try to play the role as him and fail; fail me. I just can't handle that anymore.

" ok, come here." she brings me closer to her chest. cradling my head. I always wanted to know my other side or other half but, it's not necessary anymore.

what's the point of finding out my dad, if he's alive what's the point of trying to reconnect with him when he abandoned me in the first place and if he's dead then he should just remain dead.

— later the day —

i lift my head up, to reveal no one on the bed. emily usually does that. just stay and thinks until i fall asleep. i lift up my head and come out from the bed.

the first steps were like weights being planted on my feet, then nothing but fuz and black.
—
i open my eyes, a familiar feeling of lights over my head. I'm in the hospital.

I blink seven times, just to put myself into my room-  like this never happened.

" i know your up," Emily's voice sounds in my ears. I was to weak to turn my head so I finally just open my eyes.  i already knew what happened, I fainted and it wasn't the first time emily and i were in the hospital room because of it.

i haven't been eating, and if i did i was restricting or throwing it up. i was just trying to maintain my weight, I was finally at 90lbs. i knew I couldn't go lower, so I ate and i made people see that I did so they wouldn't be worried. " what happened?"

" come on, Jessie don't play dumb." her tone sounded different, like agitated and annoyed. very motherly and different from this morning.  " your back to your old ways."

but, I did just that. play dumb. " what are you talking about?"

" your anorexic, again." I haven't heard those words in a long time. i didn't want to smile. but, I finally got the title back. But, It felt sour in the back cause she said again. which meant their was a time i lost it.

But, that also meant hospital time which equaled jail time. and gaining, all that weight. to become " healthy." again.

" I'm fine, mom." i look at my arms, iv's coming in and out- needles. i looked around to see who else was here.

James and Mike, who else would I expect? everybody else is across the atlantic.

Mike had that " I don't want to be here face." I know Emily noticed but she didn't say thing. she was honeslty desperate for love or sex.

It was funny how mike looked like derek. bald headed , beard and black. it was funny; either emily had a type or she was trying to replace Derek. she probably can't get over that he moved on.
" why are you smiling?" emily quaked.

i kinda felt bad for putting her through this, but then again. i didn't ask to be put into the hospital.
" nothing." i straighten my face and just close my eyes. trying to place myself anywhere but here.

" jessie, i'm serious! i can't see you like this." i look at her with the 'then, what are you gonna do about it face' plus some puppy eyes. " I'm admitting you."

my heart dropped, I saw it coming but not fully. I was nearing the end of summer break, and  i was going to be new in school. I still need time to adjust. " mom, I'm fine i promise! please don't do this!" I could see this was killing her even more than the first time.

she wipes a tear off her face and leaves the room.