waves and ripples

friendships

im going to try, a new way of telling the story. so please bare with me :)

—
" your new here." a dainty little voice says from Jessie's side. the girl walks herself towards Jessie's point of view. " I just haven't seen you around here before." upon further inspection the girl looked to be around her early teens, skinny and pale. she looked like a critical care patient.

" yea, i just got my privileges." Jessie sits down on the couch furthest from any social interaction. it had been her third week here. she was getting tired of everything.

she had only gained three pounds which means at the rate she's going she should make a "full" recovery when school opens again. but, that's the problem she didn't want to go to school looking fat. so she made a plan to revise as soon as possible so she can get back to losing weight before school starts again.

" what's your name?" the girl says siting right next to her. Jessie shifts again realizing that her and the unknown girl were too close.

" jessie." she stares at the tv watching the cartoon bird run up and down the stairs if the imaginary house. she scans the activity room. those girls were just watching this garbage like it was their mission.

" we're your group, sorry you ended up with the loonies." the girl says looking at the tv.

" loonies?"

" yea, we're not the craziest group but we're a close third. A lot of these girls are seriously messed up in the head." she says changing the channel.

" then, why am I here. I'm not crazy." Jessie says examining the girls more closely. seeing that they all do seem erratic.

" that's the same thing I said." she looks at Jessie. her eyes locked in with hers. " but then, every time I got angry I made my wrist look like a murder scene." she says laughing.

she was a cutter, not the same as her. but definitely in the same boat. the nurses started to round up the girls for them to go into their various rooms.

the girl starts to walk away, " what's your name?"
the girl turns around in confusion. " I mean, i never got your name."

" Joanne," she lets out a grin and walks with the nurse back to her room and jessie follows the nurse back to her room.

there she saw Emily, just Emily. it was the first time she's seen her since she was admitted. " mom!" Jessie nestles her head onto her mother's chest wrapping her arms around her.

" awe, my baby." she beamed. she kisses her forehead until Jessie can feel the imprint of lipstick.

Jessie pulls away wiping her head and laughing. " I missed you." she lowers her voice. Emily looks down at her semi concerned at her sudden mood change.

" yea, they finally allowed me to come see you." Emily knew that was a lie, she was allowed to see her 10-days after she was admitted but she just couldn't bring herself to it. she didn't understand how to help her.
—
they just laid on the bed, quietly. not saying a word just dwelling on the time they had together.

Emily reminisced on those times after a long day of work her and Jessie used to binge watch full house eating a bag of chips.

flashback

Jessie took a handful of chips in her hand stuffing it into her mouth. making random mumbles trying to speak. " swallow, baby." Emily giggled.

she hands Jessie a bottle of water, watching as she slowly tries to get the chip clumps down her throat.
" all gone." she opens her mouth to reveal that it's empty. we both smile turning back to the show.!

" can I call you, mommy?" Jessie says, looking emily in the face.  Emily's heart drops for a moment.

" repeat that honey."

" can I call you mommy?"

flashback over

" ma'am" Emily shakes herself awake. " visiting hours are over." she eyes a nurse.  Emily takes another look at jessie, she was sound asleep or what she guesses how sound asleep would feel like.

she nods and grabs her bag. " how long will she be here?"

" you admitted her here. you can't just take her back anytime you feel lonely." but, she didn't feel lonely. she felt daughterless. like this hospital stay was taking something out of her daughter everyday. even though she was suppose to get better it just seemed like she was getting worse.

" I know, I-I know."

" If she accepts the treatment she should be here for another month, but this usually takes longer."

" mom,your leaving?" Jessie's nestled in the bed.
Emily turns around towards her groggy daughter. 

" no," Emily says sitting on the bed. she stares at the nurse to leave so she can have the room to herself. Emily sits Jessie up.

Jessie face contorts to a more serious emotion. " mom what's wrong."

" you." those words takes Jessie back for a minute. what did she mean? " you need to stop dancing around this eating disorder. I get it, when I look at you I see me. but your killing yourself and if not killing yourself; your harming any opportunity you'll have for a future!" Emily voice starts to crack.
" I can't watch you do this! I want to see you graduate and go to college and have kids."

Jessie feels the saltiness on her lips from the tears. she knew deep inside that she was right, she made it to her goal to be sick. but, she didn't think any further than this- what's next? death?

she wanted to live and be happy but Emily was right she just kept dancing with anorexia and digging a deeper hole.

" I'm sorry." those were the only words that could come out her mouth. she felt selfish. so selfish and weak.

" come here," Emily brings her into her chest. " promise me, you'll try to recover. that you'll get out and go to college and give me beautiful grandchildren." Jessie nods.

Emily pulls her face to hers wiping the tears streaming down Jessie's eyes. " I'm not saying I'm old enough to have grandkids, and I'm also not saying to be going around and having sex."

" mom." Jessie starts frailly laughing. then, they just sit again in silence.

Emily checks her watch knowing that it was time for her to go, " ok baby, I have to go." she kisses her forehead.

" i love you!" Jessie screams as Emily walks out of the doorway. Emily blows her a kiss and closes the door. she just sat there thinking to herself. but that most prominent thought was;

maybe recovery is worth a shot.