camboy // seungjin

14

// mental health issues, homophobia, mention of sex

On his walk to his house, Hyunjin felt tears creep up his eyes and tried to make himself stop. He didn't want to go home and concern his parents with his tear-soaked face and red nose and puffy eyes.

But then remembered his conversations with Seungmin about toxic masculinity and the importance of crying. How suppressing emotions and pushing them away would only harm his mental health. And he knew that his parents would be kind to him even if came home a mess.

So he let himself cry. He let tears drip down his face because his heart had been broken by the only boy he had ever loved. He was sick of Seungmin avoiding him all week, he was sick of fruitlessly trying to talk to him, he was sick of not having one of his best friends to talk to and cuddle and kiss. And now seeing him kiss someone else - it was just too much.

Seungmin had asked him before if he was afraid of getting attached, and he thought he was being honest when he answered with no and said that it was just because he wanted it to be the right person. But that wasn't the entire story.

He had been afraid of emotional intimacy for so long because he knew it could lead to something like this. He knew it could lead to his heart being shattered, and then having to spend months picking up the pieces. Maybe he just wasn't meant to fall in love. Maybe he was unloveable.

[a/n - I'm so sorry to break up the angst but I felt the need to include that I don't mean to alienate aromantic people, or anyone that doesn't want a romantic relationship. That is perfectly okay. I think platonic relationships deserve the same kind of importance and have just as much love, just in a different way. It's just specifically for this story, Hyunjin does want romantic love, but the problem is that when things get tough, he thinks he can't handle it.]

Hyunjin heard footsteps behind him and swiped under his eyes, thinking a runner was about to pass him. But he wasn't expecting to hear his voice.

"Hyunjin! Wait!"

The blonde boy felt his heart jump at Seungmin's voice calling his name, but only turned to look at his lover with tired eyes. He was too tired to be angry to be snarky about this being the first time Seungmin had actually approached him all week.

Seungmin bent over at the waist, his hands on his knees as he caught his breath. "Please . . . I'm so sorry, let me explain . . ."

He waited for a response, but Hyunjin only nodded. The wind had started up again, the foliage around them rustling. They were in a residential area, but were far enough away where people in their houses could only see them, not hear them. 

The brunette continued, "I just needed a scheme to make myself look straight. My parents were becoming too suspicious." He looked down at the ground and wrapped his arms around himself, squeezing himself. "I didn't tell you, but before and after we hung out on Saturday, my parents questioned what you were to me."

Hyunjin waited until the younger one met his gaze and Seungmin gulped at the look in his eyes. Full of anger and pain and disappointment. "Why didn't you tell me," the older said dully. "Why didn't you talk to me?"

Seungmin stood with his mouth open. His voice was small when he answered. "I was so insecure. I just wanted to make you jealous. I'm sorry."

Hyunjin sighed. He still felt angry and his mouth felt sour at the image of his boyfriend kissing someone else in front of him. "Seungmin. I know that you had to show that you're straight, and I would've understood you kissing that girl if you told me before. And I would've understood if you were actually interested in that girl and wanted to break up or wanted an open relationship. But you can't just kiss other people when you want to make me jealous."