Here For You

17

Six total updates today because otherwise I'd only have one tomorrow :) probably an extra one around 9pm CET

TW's:
-Mentions (child) abuse/homophobia
-Thoughts of murder
-Suicidal thoughts
-Panic attack

Clay's POV

I read the book to George for ten minutes, but I grabbed his hand after. 'George, I know this isn't going to make up for anything I have done, but can I please explain it? It's not your fault and I want you to know.'

George just nodded slowly and laid his book back down as he curled up a bit. He was in a lot of pain and I was crushed by the pain inside. I didn't want to beat him up, I didn't want to look like my dad at all.

I said I wasn't going as far as my dad did, but I went as far as he did. I beat George up without a reason, I hated myself so much and I wanted to do something bad to myself, but for some weird reason all the hate for my dad had left. The deep hate inside of me was gone, I didn't hate George, I didn't hate my dad anymore. I only hated myself.

'I don't want to make myself seem like I'm a poor person or whatever, it doesn't make up for what I've done. I'll just tell the story, okay?'

George nodded again.

TW mentions (child) abuse/homophobia

'My dad and I were really close in the past and I figured out that I'm gay, because I fell in love with you years ago. Since I was this close with my dad, I came out to him as gay, but he got mentally abusive. In the end he beat me up and I started hating him so badly that instead of suicide and cutting myself, I started bullying you to get rid of the hate inside of me.'

George nodded slowly and grabbed my hand.

'I had such a deep hate inside of me that I thought about killing my dad sometimes. Everything I said to you, has my dad said to me, but I meant nothing I said, George. You're gorgeous and as I told you on Discord. I like Gogy and I liked you in real life, you appeared to be the same person.'

TW over

I sighed deeply and stared at my hands. 'This is only going to make things even more awkward. I just want to let you know that I find you gorgeous, cute, sweet, handsome and amazing. I love you, just as I told you on Discord every day.'

George smiled shortly.

'I understand that you never want to see me again after this, I wouldn't want to see myself either if I could. I will tell the teachers I did this.'

'N-no, tell t-them I'm s-sick.'

I nodded slowly. 'Can I get something for you?'

'It's fine.'

'You're so handsome,' I whispered. 'I feel butterflies when I look at you.'

George smiled and shrugged after. 'Not true.'

'It is, I promise you. Your hoodies are so cute and you're adorably short.'

I saw a small smile on George's face, but he turned to his side. 'I want to s-sleep for a b-bit.'

I nodded. 'Where do you want me to go?'

'I d-don't mind.'

I nodded slowly and climbed up to my bed. I immediately had the urge to text Gogy as I realised he was literally laying in the bed down to me. I couldn't forgive myself for what I had done and I had to talk to someone about it.

I knew Sapnap was going to get really mad at me and George probably didn't want me to tell him. I still decided to ask George.

'George, can I tell Sapnap about what happened? I can't forgive myself for what I've done.'

'I don't w-want a t-teacher to know.'

'I can ask him to come here?'

'I don't want h-him to see me.'

'I will keep it for myself then, but I can't forgive myself. I'm so sorry, I'm actually so sorry.'

'It's fine. I just want to s-sleep.'

'Okay,' I muttered and laid down too.

TW (not detailed) panic attack

I heard that George had fallen asleep ten minutes later and I bursted into tears. I hated myself so much and I didn't know how I could ever forgive myself for what I had done.

I was exactly like my dad, I was nothing different from him. I ended up having a panic attack again and I went to the bathroom so I wouldn't wake George up.

I cried for half an hour, feeling like I was dying for all those minutes straight. After I stopped hyperventilating and crying, I stepped out of the bathroom to go to the dinner table.

TW over

The teacher asked me where George was and I felt terrible for lying about him being sick. I didn't know what to do and I sat down next to Sapnap. I hadn't talked to Sapnap after I basically outed myself and he was smart enough to realise I didn't want to either.

I wasn't hungry at all so I didn't even eat half of my plate as I pushed my plate away.

'Are you okay?' Sapnap asked me with a concerned look on his face.

I didn't feel like lying and shook my head. 'I'm not, but I'm not going to talk about it.'

Sapnap nodded slowly and I waited for the others to finish. As soon as everyone finished, I went to sit down next to the lake, grabbing my phone. I grabbed the small paper Niki gave me and added her to my contacts.

I started typing everything that happened as I cried my eyes out meanwhile. Niki was immediately online, but I turned my phone off as I started walking back to George's and my room. I felt a bit more relieved now that I had told someone what happened, but that feeling would be changing as soon as I entered our room.

A not totally unexpected, but still a terrible surprise was waiting for me. A surprise that would make my feeling of guilt even worse than it already was.

1001 words

Summary:
Clay was really close to his dad and told him he was gay, just to get beaten into the hospital after being mentally abused for a long time.