Ninja's Creed: Awakening

Chapter Twelve-and-Three-Quarters: The Jay Chapter

A/N: Hey, guys! I usually don't do Author's Notes because I like to let you get straight to the story. However, due to the heavy subject matter discussed in this chapter, I need to give a Trigger Warning for semi-graphic descriptions of self-harm and bullying, and deep discussions of mental illness. I felt like these were conversations that needed to be had—not only in the name of characterization, but in the mental health Wattpad communities as a whole.
Too often, we see the warning signs of severe mental illness and suicidal tendencies and write them off as "jokes", or even worse, try to egg the victim on by telling them that they "won't actually do it", only to be blindsided by tragedy and realizing that someone could've prevented it by speaking up. These are never appropriate responses to the disclosure of problems with mental health, and suicide should not be treated as an publicity stunt or a game.
If you or someone you know is engaging in or contemplating self-harm, experiencing frequent suicidal thoughts or actions, or has disclosed issues with mental health, call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-(800)-273-8255 or the National Hopeline Network at 1-800-784-2433. There are trained operators on the line and ready to talk if you need to, no matter the day or time. Also, for a full list of national crisis hotlines, please go to www.victimconnect.org.
Thanks for taking the time to read this, and I hope I helped shed some light on a pressing and complex issue. Remember, you ARE NOT alone, no matter how it might feel. Trust me, I know.
Now, here's the chapter! And please, don't hesitate to sound off in the comments to let me know if I could've done something better. Love you guys!

"Before I joined the Assassins, or even met any of my friends, I was a kid from the outskirts of Ninjago City", Jay began. "I was adopted by my parents, my dad Ed and my mom Edna, so I never knew my real ones, but the again, I never really felt like I...needed to find them, y'know? I loved my parents so much...Ma was the absolute sweetest person I knew, and Pa always made me laugh with a joke when I was upset about literally anything. Even though I wasn't their actual son, I feel like I inherited all of their best qualities..."
"...anyway, as I said, we lived on the outskirts of the city in the junkyard that they owned. It was the perfect place to call home for me, because I always had liked to tinker with and invent things, and the junkyard had everything I needed to turn my visions into realities. I'll never forget the time when I was eleven and constructed a pair of wings with scrap metal and discarded canvas. I needed to test them, so I went to the roof of a building in the city and jumped off of it..."
"You did what?!" Lloyd exclaimed, nearly choking on a mouthful of his tea to avoid doing a spit take.
"I know, I wouldn't believe it if it hadn't happened to me", Jay chuckled. Then, a faraway look appeared on his face, the kind of facial expression that usually accompanies reminiscing. "And I know that I probably sound wishy-washy when I say this, but...y'know that feeling you get when you're so scared that you might piss yourself, but then you realize that there's nothing to be afraid of? That was me that day! As I fell from the roof, I actually closed my eyes and thought, 'Holy crap, Jay. This is it. This is how you're going to die!' But then, I felt the updraft of the wind catching the wings, opened my eyes...and I was flying!"
"No. F***ing. Way."
"Yep. But that day was also really eye-opening for me. When I realized that I had been successful, that something I'd invented had actually worked, it made me feel something...like, something I'd never felt before. And I thought, 'Hey, if building things gives you that great of a feeling, it's gotta be something you're really passionate about!' That was the proudest moment of my life....until I nose-dived into a billboard and scared an old man drinking tea underneath it."
"But as cool as I thought all of it was, I didn't realize that STEM knowledge didn't exactly equate to popularity. I got to middle school, and suddenly it was like a whole new world for me. I had never been much of a social person before, but when I walked through those doors, I felt so..."
"Trapped?" Lloyd offered.
"Exactly!" Jay sighed. "I wasn't really into anything that the other kids were into, so it was really hard for me to hold a conversation with anyone. Everyone else talked about who dominated on ESPN, or who the hot new guy-slash-girl-slash-enby might be most into...hell, sometimes they even talked s**t about each other just because they could. But not me. I'm pretty sure I was the only twelve-year-old I knew who could explain the scientific process behind electromagnetism or build a circuit from copper wire and a cheap LED light, and like I said, as much joy as it brought me..."
"...it didn't bring you many friends", Lloyd finished.
Jay's face took on a saddened expression. "Yeah", he confirmed, his voice shaking slightly. "I was considered the weird kid because I didn't fit in or know how to talk to people, and it made school a living hell for me. Around that time, I started to realize that I had hella social anxiety; I had clammy, shaking hands, constant migraines at every level, thoughts that everyone might be watching and judging me at all times...it was really bad, and it made me an easy target for bullying. And it wasn't just harmless teasing—they saw my eagerness to please and desperation to make friends, and they exploited it to humiliate me!" He took a deep breath and slowly exhaled, his sad face getting more noticeable.
"You don't have to keep going if you don't wanna", Lloyd told him. "I understand if you don't wanna relive it."
"No, it's okay", Jay assured the green-clad teen. "It might be painful to remember, but it will help you understand why I am the way I am." He looked down into his teacup and stared into it somberly. "I...used to cut myself with my Pa's spare shaving razors. I was so numbed by the anxiety that I just needed to...to feel something. I didn't give a damn if it was joy or pain, I just needed something to tell me that I was alive, y'know? So whenever I saw the blood dripping down my forearm, I took it as a sign that I was. At first, I started with shallow cuts—just breaks of skin that caused enough of a sting to make me feel something."
Jay paused to take a deep breath, and for the first time since they'd met, Lloyd saw his electric-blue eyes darken. "But then, I...started to go deeper. The skin breaks turned into more noticeable slits, and when that wasn't enough for me, I went a little bit deeper." He gave a sadly bitter laugh, after which his eyes beginning to tear up. "It got to the point where I had these....gashes covering almost every f***ing inch of my forearm, and I know that I probably sound like a goddamn idiot, but I just...couldn't care! I was literally tearing myself apart for the hell of it, but I couldn't have cared less about any of it! All I knew at the time was that when I felt the fire-and-ice pain of every cut and saw my own blood dripping down my arm, it almost felt...sacred to me, in a way." Jay paused, and Lloyd saw some of the light return to his eyes. "But then, I thought of my parents, and I realized that I had something to live for...so I threw out the razor blade and started using other outlets: journaling my thoughts, tinkering around with stuff from the junkyard...that kind of stuff. And it helped, but..." He sighed sadly. "I don't think they ever found out about that time of my life."
"I'm so sorry you had to go through that", Lloyd said sincerely. It was one thing to have gone through it himself, but hearing that someone as likable as Jay had been through the exact same thing was an eye-opening thing thing for him.
"Thanks, Lloyd", Jay replied. He took yet another breath. "But what I'm about to tell you next is the reason I don't trust anyone easily now. No one else knows that this happened, so..."
"Cross my heart, hope you'll plunge your blade into it", Lloyd averred.
The light faded from Jay's eyes again. He sighed heavily and continued.
"It was the summer of my freshman year, and the popular kids always threw this huge end-of-the-year party to commemorate the new school year—and since it was our first party as high schoolers, it was even bigger than usual. I was usually never invited to stuff like that, but that year, I got an invitation—and to show that they were trying to turn over a new leaf with me, I was asked to bring my invention sketchbook to the party to showcase my work."
"My parents were so excited about it—my Ma flew into a tizzy trying to get me ready, and my Pa gave me a special little gift to wear for good luck: his silver lightning bolt stopwatch. He carried that thing around with him everywhere, because he said that the bolt was the symbol for inventors everywhere; inspiration strikes like lightning, and he always got his best ideas when he held it. So I put it in my pocket, kissed them goodbye, and ran out the door so that I wouldn't be late for the party."
"When I got there, the party was in full swing—at least ten people were drunk, a good bit of the guests were hooking up all over the place, and the huge living room had become a dance floor...it was actually really cool. Then, someone noticed that I'd arrived, so they passed the word on to the hosts—again, popular kids. They came up and greeted me with these smiles and everything, and said that they were happy I'd showed up with the sketchbook. Then, this guy—Tanner, I think his name was—suggested starting a bonfire for the showcase; for 'lighting purposes', he claimed.
Everyone else thought it was a great idea, so we all went to the huge back patio for the bonfire."
"Pretty soon, they had a huge blaze going in the backyard, and I was asked to come to the front and talk about some of my invention designs in the sketchbook. But before I could, a popular girl, Brittany, asked me if she could flip through the sketchbook first. So, being the approval-seeking outcast I was, I complied with her request." He took a shaky breath, and the tears that had been welling up in his eyes began to roll down his freckled cheeks. "She pretended to flip through the sketchbook, looked at the bonfire...and she..."
"She didn't!" Lloyd gasped.
"She did. Before I even knew what she was doing, every invention I had drawn up in thirteen years had gone up in flames right in front of me." Jay's shoulders began to shake as his tears flowed a bit more freely. "I screamed 'No!' and tried to grab it from the fire, but two football players held me back—and because I wasn't nearly as athletic as they were, I couldn't do a thing about it. I struggled as hard as I could to get free, but it was no use. Everyone was laughing at it like it was the goddamn funniest thing they'd ever seen."
Suddenly, his face took on a new expression, one whose underlying emotion Lloyd couldn't get a read on. "Then, something...happened to me. I felt so angry at them for it, like a white-hot ball of pure, unbridled rage. It was a new feeling for me, and it actually gave me the strength to break free and land a solid punch to the face of one of the football players."
"Oh my God!"
"Yeah. They didn't take too kindly to that", Jay grimaced. "One of them—Tanner, the guy I told you about—looked me in the eyes, flashed me this wicked smile..." Jay exhaled. "...and he punched me in the face as hard as he could."
Lloyd's jaw almost hit the table. "Jesus!" he exclaimed as quietly as he could without disturbing the other patrons.
Jay nodded. "At first, I thought he'd killed me, because I couldn't see anything when I first came to. Then, I realized that I was lying on a bench in Ninjago Park, and that I was alive. I was lightly bleeding from a head wound, but other than this scar"—he pointed to a spot on his forehead where there was, indeed, a thin scar running from the bottom of his forehead to just above his eyelid—"I was physically fine."
"But emotionally?" Lloyd asked concernedly.
Jay raised his head to make eye contact with his companion, at which point Lloyd noticed that his eyes had, quite strangely, become almost lifeless. It almost unnerved the teen to see this, especially as his companion spoke with such strong emotion in his tone.
"I was wrecked", Jay whispered, staring blankly into a distance that only he knew the end of. "I went home that night with so much self-hatred—I just kept asking myself, 'Why couldn't you have tried to fit in? Why did you have to go out and earn yourself the 'weird' label?' And it just kept going on and on, until I reached the biggest question of all..."
He swallowed hard and looked at Lloyd with glassy eyes. "...'Why are you still alive?'"
Lloyd's heart broke right then and there for the boy. He saw himself in Jay in so many ways, but what pissed him off most was the key difference between them: everyone despised Lloyd for who his dad was, so at least they had a half-excusable reason for mistreating him on a daily basis. Jay had done nothing to deserve what had been done to him—all he'd wanted to do was make friends and be accepted, and those assholes preyed on his weaknesses, which was already pretty low.
But to the point of making him suicidal and not giving a damn about it?
That was a whole new level of depravity.
"I'm so sorry", Lloyd said hoarsely, his own eyes getting misty. "It's okay", Jay replied. "I just felt like...like I just couldn't take it anymore, y'know? Like I was waking up every single day..."
"...only to find yourself trapped in a personal mental hell", Lloyd finished his sentence. Jay lifted his eyes slightly to look at his friend, giving Lloyd a glimpse of what small bit of life had returned. "I went through the same thing you did", Lloyd continued, "and I know how it feels, Jay."
Jay looked intently at Lloyd."Really?" he asked.
"Yes", the green-clad boy averred. "I know what it's like to feel like no one loves you. Like everyone you talk to isn't listening, that everyone you look at is just staring right through you. The feeling of constantly hoping and praying to—who or whatever might be listening—that someone will see you and hear your cries for help, to tell you that you aren't alone in this world, even if you feel that way." He drew in a shallow breath and exhaled it.
"But most of all", he continued, "I know what it's like to come to that point. That place where your spirit and psyche become so shattered that you don't want to try putting it back together—where you don't want anything to do with yourself or your life anymore, actually."
As he spoke, a memory from his own past came bubbling back up to the forefront of his mind: he was twelve years old, and had just endured the worst school day he'd experienced up to that point. His mom was working late that night, so when he rushed through the door to his apartment that day, tears streaming down his pale cheeks, no one was home to hear him.
All he could think of at that moment was how he could make it stop: the bullying, the constant dark feeling in his chest, the nights he spent crying himself to sleep and dreading wake up the next day...
...and then, he'd gotten an idea.
He went to the bathroom he shared with his mom and opened the medicine cabinet behind the mirror. The Garmadon house wasn't exactly big on medication, but Koko had taken a course of painkillers after a dental surgery and had left over half the bottle in the cabinet, where it was soon forgotten about by everyone...
...except Lloyd.
He reached up, grabbed the orange pharmaceutical bottle, and stared down at it for a second in hesitation. Could I really do it? he'd thought. Could I really make it all stop with a few pills?
And make it stop he would've, if it hadn't been for something that Lloyd still considered a divine intervention. Just as he was popping the bottle's cap, he happened to look up and see something else in the cabinet: a bracelet of some sort and an old Polaroid photo on one shelf. Curious, he reached up to take what was supposed to be his first and last look at the objects—and what he saw changed his mind.
It was a photo of Koko holding a newborn Lloyd in the hospital on the day he was born; she was smiling gently at her son, who was sleeping peacefully against her chest. He'd smiled, then looked at the bracelet in his left hand: the exact same one that had been wrapped around his tiny wrist twelve years earlier.
At that moment, Lloyd had realized that there was someone in the world who loved and cared about him: the woman who brought him into the world. He'd never even realized how much he'd taken her for granted until then, and as he put everything back in its place, he vowed never to do it again.
"But what you have to remember", he continued, coming back into reality, "is that you are loved. Even when you feel like you can't see anyone who cherishes you, there's always someone there for you. And if no one else is, then I'll be happy to be the first!"
Suddenly, every bit of light returned to Jay's blue eyes, and he smiled at Lloyd so joyfully that the blonde felt the same way, like he'd just climbed Mount Everest without a harness. "Thanks so much for listening and being here for me, Lloyd", Jay said with the biggest possible smile on his face.
"Of course, buddy", Lloyd replied, returning the smile. Just then, Lloyd's phone blared his ringtone, which was set to the iconic final chorus to "WAP". Everyone in the tea house looked over at their table with facial expressions ranging from amused to offended. Lloyd looked back at them, smiled wordlessly, and accepted the call. "Hello?" he greeted.
"Hey, how's your little Downton Abbey tea date going?" Cole asked jokingly.
"Great, and even though it's not a date, I can practically hear the smirk in your oddly-dulcet voice", Lloyd replied, rolling his eyes. "What's up?"
  "Haul your asses back to the safehouse", Cole instructed. "We might have something on that associate of Garmadon's, and I think you're gonna wanna be here for it!"