Don't Rely On Me

8.

Kneeling over on the ground I could feel Jane's stare, her eyes like daggers critiquing my every move.

"There's more over there." She points to each drop on the floor, making sure everybody saw my mistake.

But she's my friend.

I reassure myself.

She's just trying to help.

But if she was really helping would she leave me to do this alone, would she make sure I was ridden with embarrassment.

Picking myself off the ground I'm met with a look of disgust. Jane looks down at me, he chin slightly lifted. "Took your time."

I reply with a weak smile, my bottom lip quivering slightly. The pain sweeping over me, pricking my skin with holes in order to enter. This pain slightly different to be before, it was infused with betrayal and hurt.

Jane releases a light chuckle. "No need to get so worked up." She turns her back on me, her shoulders continuing to jitter. "You need to stop taking everything so seriously."

"I know." My words barely above a whisper.

The café quietened down, the final customers fluttering around the shop. Conversation continued to die out until Jane and I were left alone.

We both helped clean up, wiping down coffee stained tables and washing the last few dishes. The counter littered with coffee grinds swept clean, allowing for us to leave.

Hearing the satisfying click of the lock my mind now wandered to tonight. Images of sweaty bodies cramped together painted a picture before me. Happy smiles, tight exposing dresses and wandering hands occupied my mind.

"See you tonight." Jane breaking me out of my trance, offering a final smile before we parted ways until later.

The walk home was eerily silent, leaving me alone to my thoughts but that was my fear. My mind controlled me, I was it's puppet and when I followed every order perfectly it still managed to punish me.

I was never enough and would never be enough. It taunted me, mocked me and scarred me. Never leaving me at peace, always playing in the background waiting for a vulnerable moment to attack.

It's attacks silent and easy to miss to the naked eye. They hurt from within and lasted past the healing cuts. The scars only unwanted memories waiting for new ones to join.

Checking my watch, I start to quicken my steps when I notice it's already 6:15pm.

45 minutes until Ben is coming to collect me.

I started to mentally plan out everything,

Get home, change clothes, grab a snack..... actually no. No food.

I knew perfectly well my body would be concealed behind my clothes, hidden from any line of sight but still I knew. I knew what my body looked underneath the clothes and that alone was enough.

It's image was in my mind and there it had no rest. It was picked and prodded at, compared to each unknowing passerby, there was always a way to be perfected but perfection was impossible.

Reaching my apartment door I swiftly walk inside, my body moving by itself. Striding towards my room and picking out my outfit for tonight.

Black mom jeans that hung loose on my legs matched with a grey hoodie. The colours which would help me to blend in meaning they were the perfect choice. A light layer of makeup to coverup any unwanted blemishes and helping me with my withering confidence.

After I was ready I sat at the kitchen table, leaning my head in both hands. The hard wood oddly comfortable. I watched as the hands of the clock ticked by each movement bringing Ben closer to me, until it landed on the dreaded number.

It's arrival soon met with Ben. A knock on my door echoes around the room. Pushing myself up from the chair I walk over to the door. My demeanor changing from just seconds ago to a new happier self. The door swings open to reveal Ben, the smell of cologne filling the air around us.

"Ready to go?" He asks, his eyes filling with confusion as they take in my current state.

"As I'll ever be."

"Are you sure?" Ben looks down at my outfit.

"Yeah." I reply, fixing my gaze on my shoes.

A moment of silence passes before I felt a familiar touch on my skin, Ben lifts my head, his finger held under my chin.

"Well you look stunning tonight." A smile appearing across his face. "As always."

The answering smile that bloomed through me, stealing across my face matching his, portrayed my emotions perfectly. His words brightening my mood and with it my thoughts.

"We should go." I shuffle past Ben, closing my door behind me.

My hands swinging loose by my side, lightly brushing against Ben's. "Are you trying to hint at something Alice." His smile widening.

"What no... sorry." Heat gathered at my cheeks.

"Oh come here." And with that Ben interlocks his fingers with mine, our eyes meet and I feel a light squeeze on my hand from Ben.

"I'm parked on the street. We should hurry up so I don't get a ticket."

Ben pushes the stairwell door open, turning back to meet my gaze a smirk is plastered on his face. "Race you down?"

Our strides quicken down the steps, laughter escaping our mouths as we rush down. Ben's laugh coarse but melodic, seeming to float throughout the space around us.

The sound filling the stairwell. The mask no longer necessary. Ben simply being by my side was enough for a genuine smile to creep onto my face.

We hopped down the stairs two at a time, the air causing my hair flow behind as our hands swung in tandem. His deep laugh contrasted to mine perfectly, reverberating our joy against the cold stone walls.

We both reach the bottom of the stairs in sync, heavy breaths preventing any words forming in our mouths. Just Ben heaving over pointing towards the exit door.

"I'm parked." He manages to spurt out. "Just outside the door."

My grin only widening at the action. The confidence inside of me urging me to grab his hand again, to feel the warmth and comfort.

My hand sliding to my side, inches away from his. The urge screaming inside of me.

Do it Alice! Just grab his fucking hand.

Moving it out the side the mere contact causing sparks to form, Ben understanding my action interlocks our fingers once more saying nothing but I didn't miss the small smile that played along the edges of his lips.

We push open the back door, immediately being hit with a gust of cold air. Ben's car just in front of us parked in the worst spot possible.

"Are you trying to get a ticket?" I tease.

"Do you want a lift to the party?" He raises his brow at me jokingly.

"I mean I don't mind not going." I joke but internally I know there was truth in my words. Truly I dreaded the idea of going.

"I promise I'll be with you the entire night." Ben's joking manner being replaced by a sincere tone. "Sure I wouldn't want anyone stealing my date."

"Your date." His words hitting me like a weight. "I never agreed to that." Joy radiating off of me.

"I'll win you over one day Alice." Ben whispers, his head held low as if it took everything inside of him to speak those words.

"I'm not just a prize you can win Ben."

"No no your not." Ben opens the car door before speaking again. "You're so much more."

A/N: opinions on Ben and Alice??