Don't Rely On Me

11.

I sat with my head held in my palms, muffling my reply. "Nope."

"Nope?"

"I will sort it out myself and then we are going to finish this conversation."  The certainty of my words surprising myself.

Ben goes to speak up but I raise my hand as a signal to stop before he could voice his opinion. "This is non negotiable."

The idea of a knight in shining armor rang through me and it was tempting, but I only made one promise to myself after meeting Ben and that was that I would fight my own battles.

Pushing myself up from the stairs I almost loose my footing on the steps earning a dry laugh from Ben. "Are you sure you will be able to make it to the door?"

"I'd shut up if I were you or he won't be the only one being kicked in the balls tonight." I turn from Ben to hide the smirk that flashed upon my lips at my remark.

My steps felt as though I was walking on a swaying ships deck, my stride tilting slightly too far the right met with my body being jolted back over to the left.

"Need help?" Ben sounded sincere but I was still mad.

I didn't want to give into his help. I couldn't.

"I'm fine." I retort, my hand landing on the cold metal of the door knob. "Let's just get this over with." I wipe away the last stray tear that trickled down my cheek.

The warm air from inside hitting me once the front door was ajar. I looked worriedly around for Alex to find him and Jane huddled together in the corner. Despite my intentions to confront him, the mere sight of Alex shot fear through me.

I can't do this.

My body on auto pilot, parted through the crowd, Ben following in tow. My breathing quickened as we drew closer. Alex seemed to take over my thoughts, each one being of his touch upon my skin, how he showed no mercy to my attempts to break free from his grip.

The final group of people stood in between the everlasting space that separated him from me. Their bodies twisting and twirling, calls of joy escaping their mouths but this image was a shadow casted over my eyes. A fake image of how tonight should have gone.

I could feel Ben's eyes burning into the back of my head. He knew I was wavering. Turing around his eyes catch mine, his stare like a trance, drinking in every detail. No matter how hard I tried I couldn't draw my eyes from his. The glossy marbles full of stories of pain now polished with admiration.

"You've got this." He mutters. Although our bodies stood inches apart i could sense the ghost hug that hung in the air. In different times I would have clasped both arms around him but now was different, tonight Ben left me when I needed him.

"I know." I reply.

I turn from Ben, unlatching my eyes from his, the feeling going against everything that stood within me. Being beside Ben was safe, to forget tonight's events was safe but who said I wanted to play it safe, just this once I would do something for myself.

I have fought demons worse than Alex which I have overcome. Demons that control my life, appearing when I think I'm finally getting better. Despite this Alex was not one of my demons, he was a boy doing what boys do best.

Be utter and complete dicks.

My chest felt heavy as I stalked towards the happy couple, each beat of my heart noticeable, reminding me that I was in fact alive and was not yet playing with the devil in hell.

His hands roamed Jane's body, drinks held by both as they bounced along to the music. Alex leaning against the wall like a shadow in a room of light.