nineteen (bang, bang sequel)

independence

songs: new york, i love you but you're bringing me down - lcd soundsystem

vaporize - broken bells

-

l.p

i realized i had to make a decision for zayn or else nothing would change.

except it wasn't like all the other times before, where our rifts were forced by my drug-addled selfishness or unrepairable heartbreak. it was all due to my own accord in response to the countless mistakes i made along the way, whether it was humiliation or recklessness. even with all of zayn's help in the world, it still wasn't enough to stop the cycle i had fallen into unwittingly. however, this time i wasn't coming down from a narcotic or trying to run away from an unstable pregnant girl having my baby. right now, i'm perfectly aware of what i have to do.

for the first time in my life - i have clarity. when zayn and i arrive back at his flat in silence, his utter exhaustion leads him to his room. i don't question his detachment from me because he had every right to want to be left alone. in fact, i loved him more for finally allowing himself to be upset. zayn spent too much of our relationship always making sure i was okay and doing everything in his power to pick me up when i was down. never once has he ever put his hand up for help or admitted defeat. so this felt like a step in the right direction, even if it's a little one. even if it's over -- even if he's actually done with me.

i decide to sit outside on his balcony and listen to the bustling street below, hugging my knees to my chest. the more deep breaths i take in, i realize i have so much work to do. i can't keep living like this, dependent on someone who can only handle so much. i needed to grow up for real and find stability inside of myself, even if it takes my whole life to find it. there's no one i can blame for getting into this mess. even with all the love and support in the world from a man who loves me for exactly who i am, i managed to sabotage it. and for what? some dirty cash at the end of the night? after being used and abused by some piece of shit?

however, i accept my responsibility in all of this -- i was being heedless and became addicted to how much money i could make from someone so depraved. i liked getting a week's worth of pay in just one night and knowingly took a risk for it. of course, there was always a part of me that knew that this would blow up in my face, i just didn't know how badly. i thought i had some control, but that was just the naive teenager in me. thinking i had it handled and that this was just a stepping stone to finally having daisy in my life and being someone who could financially support her. that everything would be okay as long as i had enough money.

but the more time i spent selling myself, i realized it was never enough.

as much as i'm trying to be brave, truthfully there's nothing fine about a man threatening to release photos of me at my most vulnerable. it was going to haunt me for the rest of my life -- like everything else in my past -- i just had to pull myself out of the grave i dug long ago. now, everything has to change, even if i'm terrified to search my name on the internet tomorrow. even if the entire world knows how much of a fuck up i am -- it's time i move on. shame wasn't going to get me anywhere, and i honestly, i didn't have time to feel sorry for myself.

roaming up the staircase towards the guest room where all my belongings are, i try not to back out. i'm tired and just want to rest, possibly never open my eyes again, but i know if i let myself do that — i'd never end up doing what's right.

quietly, i push myself towards the closet and steadily pack away my very few pieces of clothing into my backpack. most of it had been hand-me-downs from zayn, as i twist my fingers into one particular shirt i couldn't let go of. i remember seeing him stuffing it into a garbage bag and immediately i tore it out of his hands to stop him. this was the same white button-up he wore when i saw him across the street, smoking and gazing at me with curiosity. that day when i chased him down and fell deeply in love with his remarkable force. within that short flicker of time where i followed him around like a lost dog, suddenly the world seemed a whole lot brighter and far bigger than what i had initially thought. the collar still has his scent and makes my heart shudder, as if i'm seventeen again and chasing after him arse over tit.