Love Letters To My Best Friend

Letter #3

Sam,

I stopped at your grave last night. I dropped off the note I wrote and I exchanged your flowers. Your grave was getting a bit dirty so I cleaned it up a bit. I sat for a while. I hope you could hear what I said... I meant it all. I really do miss you. I have something to tell you soon, I just know when or how.

Gauge finally got me to eat something today, I've barely touched any food since you died. I had a bag of hot cheetos and an uncrustables PB&J because that was always your favorite lunch.

I get sick anytime I think about doing anything because I'm still here and able to and you aren't. That's why it's so hard to eat, to sing, to sleep. I sometimes even find myself holding my breath for so long I get dizzy or even pass out because if you don't breathe air anymore I don't deserve any air.

We both knew I should have died first. You were the better person anyway. You brought light to the world. Now it's my fault that light is gone. I should have made you happy, I could have. I just didn't try hard enough and now you're fucking gone. I screamed and cried for three hours when I found you... it was awful. Gauge called the police and they showed up. They took you away. I didn't move from that spot until it was past midnight... I couldn't do it.

I'm sorry Sammie. I don't know if I'll ever be able to write that or say it enough but I am so fucking sorry that I couldnt save you.

I'm getting tired
Goodnight Sam...

Ps- "Can't get used to losin' you, no matter what I do" - Can't Get Used to Losing You by Andy Williams. That was a song you and your mom would listen to together. I listened to it with her the other day. She's doing alright, if you were wondering. She misses you like there's nothing else in the world... like I miss you. But other than that... shes okay.

Love,

Your sibling from another family

Ollie

I seal it and set it on my nightstand before grabbing the 5SOS hoodie Sam used to wear on. I crawl into bead, hugging Detective Cuddles, and cry myself to sleep.

I wish I had known Sam was watching over me.